LOTF Movie Parody:1963 Version
by Satan Abraham
Summary: Sucks to your ass-mar, Piggy. Roger, stop giving creepy looks to the camera and shirtless Simon. PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEAH. Over sixty random children. -Warning: Immature humor. Rated T for language-
1. THE PLANE CRASH OF DOOM

**And here we go. This is probably way too immature and such for anyone to actually like, but I had fun writing it, so here we go. xP The entire thing is done, and I'm also starting work on a 1990 movie parody. **

**So, enjoy.**

* * *

_Movie begins with a totally necessary four minute slideshow with pretty black-and-white pictures._

**Flies:** *are buzzing ominously*

**Whoever cast this thing:** It says here that Ralph's tall, handsome, and 'built like a boxer.' *prolonged silence* Let's make him scrawny with funny teeth!

**Everyone there:** Yaaaaay!

**Random jungle noises: ***are made*

**Ralph:** Ahh! What was that! Oh, it was just random jungle noises. Onward!

**Whoever cast this thing:** Piggy's supposed to be overweight. Let's make him look like every kid in America in 2012!

**Everyone there:** Yaaaay!

**Piggy:** *in extremely weird British accent* Hay, wayt for me. This jungle's annoying and I can't hardly move with all these CREEPER THINGS.

**Ralph:** Who the hell are you?

**Piggy:** Them other kids should be around here. We should go find them! :D *runs away*

**Ralph:** *shrugs and goes on with whatever he was doing before. Piggy follows him*

**Peter Brooks:** I love this! I just set them loose and they trip on stuff! It's awesome! :D

**Ralph:** *trips on CREEPER THINGS*

**Peter Brooks:** :D

**Piggy:** *also trips on CREEPER THINGS*

**Ralph:** Ow. I'm holding my head. It's probably seriously injured.

**Piggy:** My auntie said not to run, and that bacon's bad for me, and that candy's liek THE BEST THING EVAR, and that you have weird teeth, on account of my ass-mar.

**Ralph:** I'm still lying on the ground. I'M SERIOUSLY INJURED. Wait a minute, what the hell is ass-mar?

**Piggy:** ...I have no idea. But I'm the only one who has it! *nonchalantly murders a bug* And to make things even more unfair, I've been wearing specs since I was like... three!

**Ralph:** *leaves*

**Piggy:** I'm going to follow you and be annoying. :D

**Ralph:** And we are suddenly on a beach.

_Creepy music plays._

**Ralph and Piggy:** *spend several hours playing in the water*

**Peter Brooks:** ...Maybe I should've cut out some of the unnecessary stuff. But, hey! It's more realistic!

**Everyone there:** Yaaaaaay!

**Piggy:** *in a very un-Piggy voice* Where'd the plane go?

**Ralph:** ...The storm dragged it out to sea. Idiot.

**Piggy:** Hey, there were probably other kids in it!

**Ralph:** So?

**Piggy:** SO, THEY'RE PROBABLY DYING A HORRIBLE DEATH. What's your name?

**Ralph:** Why?

**Piggy:** JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.

**Ralph:** Ralph.

**Piggy:** I know you didn't ask me what my name was, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Actually, I'm not going to tell you my name, instead telling you what people USED to call me that I apparently hate, but I won't tell you my real name so that when you defend me later you'll have no choice but to tell them that that's my name and then I'll get mad at you.

**Ralph:** ...Wut.

**Piggy:** My name's Piggy!

**Ralph:** ROFL PIGGY!

**Piggy:** SHHH! DON'T TELL ANYONE!

**Ralph:** *strips while telling stories about his dad*

**Piggy:** *takes off his shoes, socks, and jacket*

**Ralph:** Just keep swimming just keep swimming just keep swimming swimming swimming... Hey, aren't you going to come in?

**Piggy:** Ass-mar.

**Ralph:** SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR!

**Piggy:** Well... well... you suck at swimming!

**Ralph:** *totally ignores him*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE. Though this isn't the worst one. Wait until they switch from Simon seeing the 'beast' to the dance. _

**Ralph:** I seem to have lost my jacket... and my hat... Damn it, I liked that hat... OOH! SHINY!

**Piggy:** It's a shell!

**Ralph:** Yeah, I could figure that out for myself, thanks.

**Piggy:** I saw one before on some random dude's wall! I don't even know who he was! It's a conch! He blew it-

**Ralph:** *snickers*

**Piggy:** He used to blow it-

**Ralph:** *snickers again*

**Piggy:** ...I am not amused.

**Ralph:** *blows the conch- or, rather, tries to blow the conch and epically fails*

**Piggy:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He blew from his stomach, idiot.

**Ralph:** *BLOWS THE CONCH*

**Nightkill: **Siriusly, that's almost funnier than Roger's lodgement for his point. *snickers*

**Piggy&Everyone there**: Yaaaay!

**Ralph:** *BLOWS THE CONCH*

_Random shouting is heard as random little boys wander up._

**Piggy:** YOU! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

**Adorable child:** Percival Wymes Madison. I was born on June 21, whatever the year, and I like cats and dogs but not bugs because they're gross, I live on some street, and OH MY GOD I CAN REMEMBER MY TELEPHONE NUMBER! :D

_They are suddenly in a forest._

**Piggy:** *is interrogating several children*

**Nightkill:** OH MY GOD THERE'S A GEORGE. WHERE'S FRED.

**Piggy:** WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

**Sam:** *is slightly shorter and skinnier than Eric* Sam, and Eric.

**Eric:** Sam, and Eric.

**Piggy:** Eric... and Sam?

**Sam:** No.

_The boys are sitting around, just having fun... when a disturbing song is heard in the distance._

**Distance:** IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY!

**Ralph:** *was apparently trying to use the conch as a telescope or something* Oh my god what's that?

**Distance:** PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEAH! *is now OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS*

**OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS: **PARTYIN' PARTYIN' YEAH!

**Random child number one:** *looks disturbed*

**Random child number two, who after reading the book and looking farther into the movie is probably named 'Stanley': ***has even funnier teeth than Ralph*

**OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS:** FUN FUN FUN FUN

**Random children number three, four, and five:** *are looking at the sky. What, are Jack&co- I mean, OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS really that tall?*

**OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS:** LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND *is just a group of kids dressed in OMINOUS BLACK CLOAKS*

**Jack:** HALT THY PROCESSION!

* * *

**And this will be updated every Saturday. :3**

**I do love the 1963 movie – it's way better than the 1990 one, and everyone's so adorable in it – but you've gotta admit, there's stuff to make fun of. xP **


	2. THE CHOIRBOYS OF DOOM

**Ooh, I'm sorry for not updating last Saturday. xP I had a library thingy. And then a party that I decided not to go to. And sleeping to attend to. **

**But, it's updated today! :D**

* * *

**Whoever cast this thing:** Hey, we actually did a pretty good job of Jack! Only problem is he's too adorable. But, hey! In a cast full of young boys, you've gotta have one that teenage girls will drool over!

**Jack:** Where's the trumpet?

**Ralph:** What trumpet?

**Jack:** Isn't there a man here?

**Ralph:** Nope.

**Random choirboy (*cough*Roger*cough*):** Yaaaay! No grownups! That means I can throw small rocks at small children and boulders at fat children and shove sticks up pig's asses and smear dirt on my face and torture twins and-

**Jack:** Roger. WTF.

**Random choirboy:** *shuts up*

**Jack:** Anyway, we're going to have to look after ourselves. You know, so we don't die and stuff. I mean, it's not like we'll murder two kids or anything! :D

**Ralph:** We're having a meeting!

**Simon:** Time to faint! Wheeeeeeeeee! *collapses*

**Choirboys:** *swarm like flies*

**Nightkill:** Heehee... flies... Lord of the Flies...

**Everyone:** *helps put Simon in the shade so he doesn't die or something*

**Jack:** Why are you not paying attention to my absolute sexiness? He faints like, all the time even though this is the only time in the movie he will!

**Random choirboy:** Dude, we can't just leave him to burn. Do you see how uncanonically pale he is? He'll be painfully sunburnt in like, two minutes!

**Jack:** NOBODY CARES.

**Simon fangirls:** We care! We care!

**Jack:** Anyway, we need to decide what we're going to do.

**Piggy:** Oh, that's why Ralph called the meeting. They're twins. Sam and Eric.

**Eric:** ERIC AND SAM.

**Sam:** SAM AND ERIC.

**Eric:** ERIC AND SAM.

**George Weasley:** Just get used to it. It's always going to be Sam and Eric.

**Sam:** HAH!

**Ralph:** I'm Ralph!

**Simon:** Time to wake up! *is absolutely adorable*

**Simon fangirls:** Aw!

**Piggy:** *turns to the choir. Random music starts to play* And what's your names?

**Henry:** Henry!

**Maurice:** *prolonged silence* Maurice.

**Nightkill: **Actually, this is 'Morris.' But he'd make a cute Maurice, way better than that lame Rupert kid that's apparently supposed to be Maurice. So, Morris is now Maurice.

**Robert:** *prolonged silence* Robert.

**Rupert:** *prolonged silence* Rupert.

**Harold:** *very prolonged silence* Harold.

**Bill, AKA Roger's almost twin:** *prolonged silence* Bill.

**Roger:** *prolonged silence in which he gives the camera a creepy look* Roger.

**Nightkill:** Let's count how many creepy looks Roger gives the camera! And he doesn't talk again until he's a savage, so ENJOY THIS ONE WORD!

**Whoever cast this thing:** We did a pretty good job with the choir, too. Except we made the two that were explicitly stated to be dark-haired and dark skinned like, bleach blonde and pale.

**Simon:** *prolonged silence* Simon.

**Jack:** AND I'M JACK.

**Piggy:** *starts to introduce everyone*

**Jack:** You're talking too much. I must give you an insulting nickname. You're slightly overweight, so... FATTY!

**Ralph:** Hey, I get what Piggy was saying earlier! His name's not Fatty, it's Piggy!

**Everyone:** *bursts out laughing*

**Piggy:** I'm so sad, I'm going to hide behind a tree.

_The laughing goes on for hours. Eventually..._

**Jack:** We should figure out how we're gonna get rescued, or something.

**Ralph:** We should have a chief... I'm not implying you pick me or anything... it's not like I called you here... and I'm not going to point out that I'm holding a pretty shell...

**Random child number six:** Take charge!

**Jack:** Me!

**Everyone:** ...

**Jack:** I'm head boy. And I lead the choir. I'm not going to mention that I can sing C sharp because that's just lame.

**Nightkill:** Oops. I was wrong. Roger talked again.

**Roger:** *manages to say these four words creepily* Let's have a vote.

**Piggy:** *is hiding behind his tree*

**Ralph:** Yeah! A vote! Who wants Jack?

**Roger:** Me! Me! I want Jack! I want Jack!

**Ralph:** ...Wrong choice of words. Who wants Jack to be chief?

**Choir:** *raises hands slowly*

**Random child seven's arm:** *is also raised*

**Ralph:** *counts the hands* I know I was never mentioned to be chief, but... who wants me?

**Simon:** Me!

**Ralph:** ...To be chief?

**Simon:** Oh, I already voted...

**Everyone else:** *raises hands*

**Random child seven: ***voted twice*

**Piggy:** But what if I wanted to be chief? Oh, whatever... *raises hand*

**Ralph:** I'm not even going to bother to count. I'm chief!

**Everyone except choirboys:** Yaaaay!

**Choirboys:** *begin to mutter amongst themselves. Actually, they appear to be playing telephone*

**Ralph:** Jack creeps me out, so I'm going to try to stay on his good side. He's in charge of the choir. What do you want them to be?

**Jack:** *prolonged silence* Well, we're a group of choirboys... it's only logical that we become hunters.

**Choirboys:** *look up at Jack blankly*

**Jack:** Take off the ominous black cloaks!

**Choirboys:** *take off the ominous black cloaks*

**Random child number eight: ***has a weirdly grown-up voice and just noticed the funny clothes* Why are you wearing such funny clothes?

**Maurice:** It's our uniform. Actually, it's a surprise nobody other than Simon fainted, because they're really heavy and black, and because the sun's out, black soaks in heat, and-

**Jack:** Maurice. STFU.

**Random children:** *laugh*

**Jack:** *pulls out a random knife and stabs an innocent tree*

**Everyone:** O.O

**Ralph:** Okay, people, listen up. If this isn't an island, we're probably going to be eaten by whatever cannibals live on whatever country we're on. If it is, then we're probably going to eat each other.

**Roger:** I've always wondered what human flesh tastes like...

**Ralph:** ...Anyway, three of us are gonna go see if it is. I'll go, because I'm the chief, and Jack, because it's only smart to take Jack so he can't control his choir - erm, hunters - and...

**Everybody:** Me! Me! I want to go!

**Ralph:** *picks the one person that doesn't want to go* You. The one who fainted. It's only logical to take the person who faints! :D

**Simon:** Whatevs.

**Piggy:** I wanna come!

**Jack:** Chief said three. Not four. Can't you count?

**Piggy:** Yes, I can count! One two three four five six seven eight eighty-seven... But the conch!

_Everyone leaves. Piggy is left talking to himself._

**Piggy:** When somebody loved me... everything was beautiful...

* * *

**And now it's time for review replies – by the characters. Oh yes, this shall be fun.**

**Allthegoodnonesaretaken: **Lol *actually snorting with laughter* Why the fruit is the OMINOUS GROUP OF BLACK CLOAKS singing Friday?

**Jack: **…because fuck you, that's why.

**10MidnightArrow11: **Yea! Great story, now I can't wait for Saturday.

**Simon: **Thank you for reviewing. I'm glad you liked it. :3

**Nightkill: **Simon is now the default 'thanks for the review' guy.

**anon: **Lol u said omg there's a George where's Fred that's supermegaawsomefoxyhot.

**Jack: **You know what else is supermegafoxyawesomehot? Me.

**LOTF Roger Obsesser: **I love this. SO FUNNY!

**Roger: **Your username disturbs me…

* * *

_Bonus content!_

**Jack: ***is standing dramatically*

**Roger: ***is a voiceover* Imagine Jack Merridew decked out in pirate clothes.

**Jack: ***is now wearing pirate clothes*

**Roger: **I guess you could say he's… _king of the high C's._

* * *

**Well, I hope you liked it. x) Review?**


	3. THE BEASTIE OF DOOM

**And here we go with chapter three. :3 Thank you people for reviewing so much. I really appreciate it. **

* * *

**Simon:** *is ripping something up*

**Piggy:** Hey! Ralph!

**Ralph:** You. Can't. Come.

**Piggy:** Plan B! You told them I was called Piggy!

**Ralph:** ...Dude, you didn't tell me your real name. What was I supposed to let them call you Fatty?

**Piggy:** *coughs*

**Ralph:** You already did this but... go take everyone's name again. See ya!

_SCENE CHANGE!_

**Ralph:** *drops fruit on Jack and Simon*

_A large rock is seen._

**Ralph:** A rock! Let's send it crashing down into the forest where a littleun could be playing! :D

**Jack and Simon:** Yaaay!

**Random child number nine:** Ahhhhh!

**RalphJackSimon:** *go running off and climb a mountain*

**Ralph:** ...Well, it's an island.

**Jack:** What the fuck is wrong with my hair?

*crickets chirp*

**Jack:** If my 1990 version can swear, I can too!

_SCENE CHANGE!_

**Ralph:** Aww, look, a pig-

**Jack:** *pulls out knife*

**Ralph:** O.O

**Pig:** Freeeeedom! *runs away*

**Jack:** I'm so depressed that I couldn't kill a pig, I'm going to poke my knife up my nose. That's right. Up my nose.

**Simon:** I'm so innocent, I'm flipping off the camera! :D

**Simon fangirls:** SO CUTE.

**Jack:** MUST KILL THE JOY. *kills the pretty flower Simon was looking at*

**Simon:** :'(

_SCENE CHANGE!_

**Conch:** I'm sitting here, being awesome...

**What sounds like Ralph speaking into a megaphone: **We're on an island. It's probably uninhabited, but we didn't explore very much, we pretty much stopped when the rabid fangirls threatened to kill Jack for making Simon cry, but whatevs. We're going to have to look after ourselves. I think it's a good island, you know, until the fear sets in and stuff. There's fruit, but it's kind of high in the tree, so you can all have fun throwing it down at people-

**Roger:** Excellent...

**Ralph:** ...Anyway, there's water, and I'm thirty percent sure there aren't any dangerous animals, so it could be worse. We could be in the middle of a desert or something. Miraculously, none of are hurt, except the ones that died when the plane went in the water, and the ones that got crushed by the gigantic rock, but whatever. We can build lame-o shelters that will barely shade us from the rain, so if we're smart, we'll be fine. And if we're stupid, we'll have fun. But let's be smart and be fine!

**Jack:** I'm already fine.

**Random child ten:** Where will we sleep?

**Random child eleven:** ...He just said that we'll build shelters.

**Ralph:** *gets rid of his megaphone* Oh, and we can't all be talking at once. We're going to pass around the conch. Whoever has it can talk. Except me. I can talk all the time. And we should make a rule about how you can't forcibly take the conch from other people, but who cares.

**Roger:** *gives creepy look to boy next to him*

**Nightkill:** ...That counts as creepy looks to the camera. Number two!

**Jack:** I agree! We should have rules and obey them! We're not savages-

**Nightkill:** OH THE IRONY.

**Jack:** We're English. And English are the best at everything. And have sexy accents.

**Everyone:** Yaaaay!

**Jack:** So we'll have rules, and if anyone breaks them, they shall be fed to Roger.

**Roger:** *grins*

**Piggy:** *stands up while holding the conch*

**Everyone:** Piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy piggy

**Someone that sounds like Jack but is probably Ralph:** QUIET!

**Piggy:** Who knows we're here?

**Random child twelve:** Me! Me! I know we're here!

**Piggy:** Nobody knows we're here!

**Random child twelve:** Aw...

**Piggy:** Anyway, what I'm trying to get to is that we'll all die a horrible death on this island. Good day!

**Maurice:** *stares blankly off into the distance*

**Random child thirteen:** *gets the conch but whispers in Piggy's ear*

**Piggy:** So, what about that snake thing.

**Simon:** I'm being OOC and laughing at him with everyone else! :D

**Ralph:** What snake thing?

**Piggy:** Wait... wait... it's a beastie. Yep. Definitely a beastie.

**Ralph:** Beastie?

**Jack:** *laughs along with everyone*

**Piggy:** Wait a minute, it's a snake-thing. A big snake-thing. He saw it.

**Nightkill:** Creepy look Roger gives the camera number three... and we're only twenty-one minutes into the film...

**Jack:** When?

**Piggy:** When he was wandering around the jungle... alone... in the dark...

**Simon:** THIS IS MY SERIOUS FACE.

**Piggy:** And when he could see, it turned into a vine. So, is it coming back?

**Ralph:** He was imagining things.

**Children:** *mutter amongst themselves*

**Ralph:** No, seriously!

**Jack:** OBVIOUSLY, Ralph's right. People who are in power are ALWAYS right. There isn't a- oh, who's kidding, of course there's a snake-thing! But don't worry, we'll kill it! :D

**Ralph:** ...Yeah, whatever. If a ship heads this way, they probably won't notice us. So we're going to set the island on fire so they come rescue us! :D

**Everyone:** ...

**Ralph:** Sorry, that's not till the end. We'll just make smoke on top of the mountain.

**Small children:** FIRE!

* * *

**Nightkill: **I'm not going to keep putting the reviews here, because, uh, sometimes they get kinda long. Cx. Just the penname and then the replies.

_TO AZMARIAHARMONY –_

**Roger: **Um. Thank you?

**Jack: **I AM NOT HAVING MY TIME OF THE MONTH.

**Roger: **…That's just what you want people to think.

**Jack: **SHUT UP, ROGER.

_MEGAN777-_

**Simon: **Thank you. :3 It's nice to know some people like me.

**Simon fangirls: **Joinnn ussss….

_DUTHAE CILTHRI-_

**Nightkill: **Yes, I'm actually working on that one right now. :3 Thanks for your review!

_LAUREN KASSIDY-_

**Simon: **Thank you for your review. :)

**Random child seven: **Of course I couldn't chose between them… seriously, have you seen Jack? And Ralph's cool. BUT HAVE YOU SEEN JACK?

_AZULFOXX88-_

**Ralph: **I'M SORRY I'M NOT AS SMEXXI AS JACK.

**Jack: **You shouldn't feel back. Nobody can be as smexxi as me.

**Nightkill: **I mentioned this up there, but, yes, I am doing a parody of the 90's movie.

_ROGER FROM LOTF OBSESSOR-_

**Jack: **Of course I'm king of the high c's….

**Simon: **I'm sorry I don't look like canon Simon-

**Simon fangirls: **YOU'RE ADORABLE.

_PINKYKUPKAKE-_

**Nightkill: **Thanks for your review. :) And, yes, I am doing a parody of the 90's movie.

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN-_

**Simon: **…I have a condition.

**Roger: ***creepily stares at reviewer*

**Choirboys: **We pause for dramatic effect! :D

**Random child number seven: **You just can't pick one or the other.

**Choirboys: **We love telephone! Except Roger always changes it to something making fun of someone. Usually it's Simon, but that time it was Piggy.

**Jack: **I'm not savage enough to stab people yet. :(

**Piggy: **…shut up.

_ARRANCARRAYFLO-_

**Simon: **Thank you for reviewing! :D


	4. THE FIRE OF DOOM

**Piggy:** We're children between about six and eleven. It's only natural I mention that they're acting like kids.

**Ralph:** *leaves*

**Piggy:** *continues talking*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Multiple small children:** *are carrying a gigantic log*

**Random child fifteen:** THROW THE LOG!

**Multiple small children:** *throw the log, causing multiple sticks to fly up and stabs multiple children*

**Ralph:** Do we have matches?

**Everyone:** Nope!

**Ralph:** Great.

**Jack:** We can steal the fat kid's glasses!

**Everyone:** Yay!

**Crowd of people: ***steal fat kid's glasses*

**Jack:** *tries to light fire*

**Nightkill:** I'm listening to what the kids are saying while Jack lights the fire... are some of them seriously discussing disguising themselves already?

**Piggy:** I'm depressed. Nobody likes me. And I can't see.

**Fire:** *lights*

**Everyone:** Yay!

**Ralph:** *puts Piggy's glasses back on his face*

**Slash fans:** *get to work*

**Nightkill:** Personally, I prefer Ralph/Simon. AND ROGER/JACK.

**Jack:** Ralph! Ralph! For some reason I kind of like you right now, and am not totally being a jerk... maybe because I didn't mention I can sing C sharp? They probably would have picked me...

**Roger:** You're delusional. And also that made no sense.

**Jack:** STFU. Anyway, I'm going to split up my hunters. We'll TOTALLY keep the fire going. We won't steal everyone to catch a pig, and Samneric-

**Sam and Eric:** We're still Sam and Eric.

**Jack:** And Sam and Eric are apparently part of the hunters now.

**Everyone:** Yay!

**Jack:** We'll set the entire island on fire! :D

**Ralph:** Not until the end.

**Jack:** We'll set the mountain on fire?

**Ralph:** Works for me.

**Jack:** It will last the entire night.

**Roger:** *runs off to some unknown place. Seriously, the next thing you see is him running off*

_AND THEN THERE WAS SMOKE_

**Jack:** This is an entirely pointless scene in which I cut open a coconut or something and drink the milk. Probably a coconut. But, hey, it's funny when I spill it down my chest! :D

**Random Choirboy:** Taking care of the fire, taking care of the fire, la la la la...

**Presumably Roger, seeing as he says the exact same thing to Samneric near the end of the film: **A-TEN-TION!

**Random Choirboy:** Holy shit- oh, hi.

_They then proceed to hit each other RHYTHMICALLY with spears. I will never understand this movie._

**Random children:** WE ARE BUILDING SHELTERS! :D

**Ralph:** I'm telling you what to do, because even though it says you're helping me, obviously you're just sitting over there in the corner, petting that branch.

**Simon:** I'M HELPING. LEAVE ME ALONE.

**Simon fangirls:** LEAVE HIM ALONE.

**Piggy:** Apparently just sitting here gets my hands all sweaty. I shall proceed to wipe them off.

**Ralph:** Does this branch bend?

**Simon:** *attempts to bend branch. Said branch just goes up* Nope.

**Roger&other random choirboys:** Let's just lay in the shade while they work.

**Everyone:** Yaaay!

**Random children fifteen and sixteen:** *proceed to beat each other with long branches that should go on the shelters*

**Random child seventeen:** *gets knocked over by said branches*

**Most children:** *decide that they'll go play in the water instead of help. Yay slacking!*

**Random child eighteen:** I SHALL WHIP THIS CHILD WITH A BRANCH. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

**Roger and... Harold:** *are arguing*

**Harold:** *throws something that splats all over Roger's face*

**Roger:** Ooh. *proceeds to lick it off his face, making a face when he tastes it. Seriously, what is this stuff?*

**Nightkill:** Creepy look seven…

**Random child nineteen:** GO LITTLE CRAB GOOOOOO!

**Crab one:** Imma climb up the side here, and escape-

**Random child nineteen:** No. *grabs both crabs and sets them back at the starting line*

**Crab two:** But I was winning! :'(

**Random child twenty:** I DROWN YOU!

**Random child twenty-one:** Okay.

_SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon:** I love this little lizard so much that when he opens his mouth, I close it back up and then he gets used to that so I open it back again. :D

**Simon fangirls:** HE'S SO CUTE.

**Simon:** Okay Mr. Lizard, you can get off my finger now. *nudges Mr. Lizard* Seriously. Off the finger.

**Mr. Lizard:** *jumps onto Simon's shirt*

**Simon:** Okay. *pets Mr. Lizard*

**Mr. Lizard:** *attacks Simon's face*

**Simon:** Ah! At least Roger doesn't murder you in this one. I SHALL NOT TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED.

_SCENE CHANGE_

**Pig:** I'm just wandering around, being all pig-like and it's a lovely day, and doo doo doo...

**Hunters:** *are ominous*

**Roger:** Why do I still have my shirt and hat on? I can kind of understand the hat, I mean, it's cool. But the shirt? It's open anyway, why not just take it off?

**Flies:** WE CONTINUE TO BUZZ OMINOUSLY.

_Random shot to a group of tall grass- oh, there's a kid in there_

**Jack:** I stand in a tree. And my face is painted. They cut out Roger throwing rocks at kids because he started having too much fun with it.

**Nightkill:** Just kidding. I don't know why they cut that out. But I think that's probably a likely prediction.

**Pig:** I sense something is amiss. I MUST SNORT TO TELL THEM I AM COMING. SNORT SNORT SNORT SNORT SNORT- ooh, food!

**Jack:** YOU'RE MINE! *throws spear*

**Roger:** Ahhh-AAHHHHH-ahhhh

**Hunters:** WE SCREAM WHILE ROGER IS GOING ahhh-AHHHH-ahhh! AND WE RUN. PRESUMABLY CHASING THE PIG.

**Pig:** I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

**Sam and Eric:** We're hunters! :D

**Roger:** KILL!

**Random child twenty-three:** KILL KILL KILL!

**Ralph and... Simon?:** We are naked. Swimming.

**Slash fans:** MATERIAL! *switch from Ralph x Piggy to Ralph x Simon*

**Nightkill:** I love Ralph x Simon.

**Random child twenty-four:** NO THROWING SAND!

**Plane noises:** *are made*

**Piggy:** I don't get in the water because I'm insecure about my body- hey, is that a plane? It is! RALPH. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. THERE'S A PLANE.

**Ralph:** I was spending time swimming, and now I have water in my eyes- wait a minute, what?

**Piggy:** IT'S A FRIKKING PLANE. CAN'T YOU HEAR IT?

**Ralph:** No, actually, I have water in my ears.

**Ralph and Simon:** *super-speed dressing time!*

**Ralph:** Screw shirts, even though it'll give the fangirls what they want I'm going up topless!

**Piggy:** I can't see any smoke! WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

**Ralph:** I think the fire's out! I'm going to run up ahead, without Piggy's glasses, so that even if we have a small chance of starting it before the plane goes away, we won't anymore! Someone grab his glasses! BYE!

* * *

_HUNGERGAMESLOTFFAN~_

**Nightkill: **Yeah, that was really weird. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**Jack: **The plants are _hardly _innocent.

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Jack: **Military school? Is there a choir? And steal a car? Color-changing hair? Well, I already have that in the book, I was ginger at the beginning, and then it turned 'sandy.' Or something like that.

_10MIDNIGHTARROW11~_

**THE CONCH OF POWERRR: **Of course.

**Jack: **:'( I don't take well to criticism

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Nightkill: **Ah, Lord of the Flies humor. :3

_MEGAN777~_

**Simon: **But I'm Jesus. I wouldn't murder anybody. *innocent look*

**Roger: **…you guys are a bunch of creeps.

_LADY DISSONANCE~_

**Simon: **:3 Thank you for your review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well.

* * *

**Cx Once again, thanks for all the reviews. **

**And tomorrow, I will be posting the first chapter of a Lord of the Flies/Harry Potter crossover if any of you are interested. It's going to be awesome. Roger x Luna. YEAH.**

**/oh, and maurice x everybody**

**So, any Harry Potter fans, keep an eye out for that! :D**


	5. THE HUNTING OF DOOM

_SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** I am now at the top of this mountain... the fire's out... the plane is leaving... goddamnit I'm an idiot. Time to throw a fit. NOOOOOOO! COME BACK! *waves his shirt around*

**Simon:** I _was_ swimming with Ralph! :D I'm not wearing my shirt, either.

**Ralph:** *kicks a log* Ow! My toe!

**Log:** I feel so unwanted.

**Ralph:** ...I hate them so much.

**Hunters:** WE NO LONGER SING FRIDAY! KILL THE PIG. CUT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN. KILL THE PIG CUT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN.

**Ralph:** I can honestly say I preferred Friday. This is kind of disturbing.

**Random choirboy:** YO, RALPH! *is drowned out by more chanting*

**Sam and Eric:** We think we're part of the hunters, but really they're just using us for free labor. :(

**Roger:** I seem to be throwing my stick up in the air and catching it. What if it hits Sam or Eric in the head? *prolonged silence* I should miss next time!

**Jack:** We killed a pig! We actually did! And I wasn't lame this time! We got in a circle and-

**Ralph:** YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST.

**Jack:** What?

**Ralph:** You... you let the fire go out!

**Jack:** So? Give me the fat kid's glasses, I'll light it up again. You should have come with us! It was so fun! There was BLOOD!

**Ralph:** I think Roger's getting to you.

**Jack:** But the blood... there was lots of blood!

**Ralph:** There was a fricking plane.

**Jack:** WHY MUST YOU KILL MY JOY?

**Ralph:** THERE WAS A FRICKING PLANE. We could've gotten rescued and stuff-

**Roger:** But I haven't even killed anyone yet!

**Ralph:** WE COULD HAVE GONE HOME! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE FOREVER!

**Simon:** Don't you love me? :'(

**Ralph:** No.

**Simon:** I'm going to go kill myself now.

**Roger:** I can kill you for you! :D

**Simon:** No... that's okay...

**Ralph:** I am upset.

**Piggy:** WHY DO YOU LIKE BLOOD SO MUCH? IT'S CREEPY. I COULD HAVE AVOIDED DEATH, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT WE'RE NOT AT HOME!

**Jack:** Hey, unlike Simon and what you should be, I'm not a vegetarian.

**Piggy:** YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LET THE FIRE OUT!

**Jack:** *shoves random choirboy on his way to Piggy* I slap you with lots of slapping sound!

**Piggy's Specs:** Ouch.

**Piggy:** OH NO!

**Simon:** I'm going to remind you all why_ I_ have the most fangirls. *picks up specs* Here. Here they are. I don't want to get paired with you, so I'm just going to give them to you.

**Slash fans:** We can work with that. We pair you with _Roger_; some little interaction like that will give us plenty of material.

**Piggy:** JUST YOU WAIT.

**Roger:** Can I throw a boulder at him yet? He's annoying me.

**Jack:** Wait until we're proper savages.

**Roger:** Okay.

**Ralph:** That was pretty mean, actually. If you break the other lens out we won't be able to have fire, and what'll we do then? I'm pretty sure none of us know how to make a fire with sticks, and even after working at it for a while it'll be pretty suckish.

**Jack:** Fine. Sorry. About the fire. I don't care if Piggy's specs - or head, I'm foreshadowing - get broken. Get ready for this, because it's never going to happen again - I apologize.

**Hunters:** This is amazing. This has never happened before.

**Ralph:** So light the fire.

**Jack:** LIGHT THE FIRE, MINIONS!

**Nightkill:** They're talking about what they'll do tomorrow. I can't hear what it is, but from the slightly evil laugh I'm pretty sure it's nothing good.

**Piggy:** I'm all alone, there's no-one here beside me...

**Ralph:** Piggy. The specs. Now. *takes specs*

**Piggy:** HEY.

**Ralph:** I'm not as big a jerk as Jack. I'll bring 'm back. *hits Piggy*

**Piggy:** I would be offended, but he's the closest thing I'll ever have to a friend.

**Jack:** Let's roll this pig around in the dirt and smoke.

**Choir:** Yaaaay!

**Random child twenty-five:** I DEMAND A NICE PIECE

**Nightkill:** Why did Jack have a knife in the first place? He was a _choirboy._

**Random child twenty-six:** *reaches over Sam or Eric to get some meat*

**Sam or Eric:** MY BUBBLE HAS BEEN POPPED.

**The dead Pig:** *looks completely disgusting*

**Jack:** Am I seriously licking fat off of my fingers. Ew.

**Random child twenty-seven:** *shoves meat at Ralph*

Ralph: For all of my 'you should have put the fire before the meat' I seem pretty enthused about this piece of near-raw meat.

**Random child twenty-eight:** *gives the camera a look that would make Roger proud*

**Piggy:** *looks longingly at the meat*

**Ralph:** *glances at him and continues eating*

**Roger:** It's like the bags under my eyes get darker every day... *bites meat ferociously*

**Nightkill:** Creepy look eight...

**Piggy:** Am I attempting sign language or something? Seriously, though. I'm hungry.

**Random choirboy: **...Seriously, what am I doing?

**Ralph:** I'm afraid that if I don't eat this at the speed of light someone will take it from me. OM NOM NOM

**Piggy:** Finally getting up the nerve to ask it... Can I have some please please please?

**Jack:** Shoving aside the fact that Simon and Ralph here didn't hunt I'm going to tell you you can't have any because you didn't hunt. But it's really because you're fat.

**Piggy:** Ralph and Simon didn't hunt either! And Simon's part of your choir, he really should be the one you're getting mad at.

**Simon:** I'm adorable and selfless. Here, you can have my piece.

**Slash fans:** WE WERE RIGHT!

**Jack:** EAT, DAMN YOU! *throws piece of meat he was eating extremely hard at Simon, knocking him out for several hours*

**Slash fans:** Maybe we were wrong... *start shipping Jack x Simon*

**Children:** *laugh for no apparent reason*

**Simon:** Whatever. Free food.

**Roger:** Why, exactly, did I have the face-thing of the pig - or whatever this is - under my cool hat? Am I really that weird? Ah, whatever, I'll just wear it as a mask. And pretend to be a wolf.

**Random choirboy:** KILL THE PIG.

**Roger:** I'm pretending to be a wolf, idiot.

**Hunters:** *begin their creepy chant* KILL THE PIG. CUT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN. KILL THE PIG. CUT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN.

**Simon:** I seem to be joining in, too.

**Hunters:** . .

**Simon:** Nope. Too weird. I'm done.

**Ralph:** SHUT UP. THIS IS CREEPY.

**Hunters:** .

**Ralph:** I said... SHUT UP. THIS IS CREEPY.

**Hunters:** Sorry. Didn't hear you.

**Ralph:** Go to the beach, even though we can just as easily have it up here. By 'it' I mean an assembly.

**Jack:** You know, what if my handy-dandy knife breaks? What'll I do then?

**Roger:** I'm demon-like enough, my teeth should be able to be sharp enough to make a good knife. And one of them's loose, I know this from the book.

**Jack:** ...Good to know.

**Ralph:** Someone didn't follow my orders exactly, and this makes me completely and utterly convinced that we're all going to die. I don't know why I'm being such an idiot, but, hey, I'm chief, I can be an idiot if I want to. But, anyway, the most important thing is getting rescued.

**Nightkill:** Creepy look Roger gives the camera number nine...

**Ralph:** So. I'm going to put the twins on PERMANENT FIRE DUTY, because it's all they ever do besides betray me, so the rest of you people - hang on, wasn't Jack's hunters supposed to do the fire? Why were the twins doing the fire then? HAVE THEY BETRAYED ME ALREADY?

**Sam and Eric:** We only betray you because of Roger. He's creepy.

**Eric:** And sexy.

**Everyone:** O.O

**Sam:** That is one belief we do not share.

**Nightkill:** Seriously, Roger x Eric? Not only do I want to know why there's no Roger x Sam, but still? Roger x Eric?

**Jack:** Who cares if the fire went out? I mean, it's not like there was a plane coming - all right, there was a plane. It's not like we're going to kill a kid - all right, we are...

**Roger:** Two kids! Fatty, I know a rock that has your name on it...

**Piggy**: O.O

**Jack:** But anyway, I'm going to remind you that I KILLED A FRIKKING PIG. Me! I killed it!

**Random child twenty-nine:** *yawns* I'm bored.

**Jack:** I'm going to bring up the beast to make you all scared. If there is one, we'll protect you from it! I mean, if there is one, it's sure to be terrified of Roger. Everyone's terrified of Roger, except maybe Eric-

**Eric:** Oh, he scares me. He's just sexy.

**Jack:** ...Anyway, cheer, my minions!

**Everyone except Ralph and Simon:** Yaaay!

**Simon:** I'm shy.

**Simon fangirls:** HE'S SO CUTE I'M GONNA DIE.

**Percival:** I'm just gonna grab this conch here and stand and say nothing.

**Random choirboy:** What's your name?

**Choirboys:** WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

**Random choirboy:** We seem to be big on chanting.

**Ralph:** SHUT UP.

**Choirboys:** WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

**Ralph:** SHUT. UP.

**Random choirboy:** ...Your name?

**Ralph:** *glares* Anyway, what's your name?

**Percival:** Percival Wemys Madison... random address... OH GOD I FORGOT MY TELEPHONE NUMBER. TELEPHONE TELEPHONE TELEPHONE.

**Nightkill:** This kid is adorable. Look, he looks like he's about to cry. He's so cute! Maybe even cuter than Simon-

**Simon fangirls:** What did you just say?

**Nightkill:** Look, Eric has an open position in the Roger-is-sexy club!

**Eric:** JOIN ME.

**Percival:** I'm done. I can't remember my telephone number and this has completely crushed my soul.

**Simon:** I know the feeling of being rejected, too.

* * *

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Ralph: **I'm sorry-

**Roger: **I really don't understand why I have any fangirls. I mean, I understand the whole 'bad boy' allure, but wouldn't Jack be better for that? I mean, I'm just a creepy little boy that kills people, if creep little sociopathic boy equals fangirls, why doesn't Patrick Hocksetter from IT have loads of fangirls? We're basically the same person-

**Jack: **Okay, okay, enough using Roger for a mouthpiece for Nightkill's views, even though she herself is a Roger fangirl.

**Nightkill: **The first chapter's up! :D And also the second chapter will be posted tomorrow. And I have many chapters written in advance. So, yeah. I'm pretty excited about that fanfiction.

_PRINCESASOFIA~_

**Roger: **…Who's Luna?

**Luna Lovegood: ***makes a random cameo*

**Roger: **…Oh.

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Nightkill: **Hey, Roger x Simon's better than _Jalph. _

**Ralph: **At least I don't have an annoying voice like in the 90's movie… and I have an adorable smile, so there!

_ENTERATRISK~_

**Nightkill: **Thank you. :)

_AGGIRL53~_

**Simon: **Thank you for your review. Come again!

**Roger: **IF ONLY JACK WOULD RETURN MY LOVE-

**Simon: **OR IF RALPH WOULD RETURN MINE. THEN MAYBE WE COULD HAVE SOME YAOI.

**Mr. Lizard: **Presumably I survive in this version, so maybe we can make a date. ;) As long as Simon doesn't find out. He's the jealous type.

_MEGAN777~_

**Simon: **Th-thank you for asking, but, um, I'm nine or so…

**Roger: **…Oh. Um. Okay.

**Jack: **I have a _soul? _Well, more soul than Roger, and he's blond in this one!

**Ralph: **Thank you. At least someone thinks so.

**Piggy: **SOMEONE LIKES ME! :D

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**Piggy's Specs: **I am the magical glasses of Piggy, therefor I can do whatever I want.

**Random Child Twenty: **I'm practicing for my future career as a priest. I got a little too into it.

**Harold: **The world may never know… ;)

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Roger: **You see, Simon is a waterbender and made a bubble to keep us mostly dry. I have no idea about the others. Also, we didn't drown and die a painful death because I am an earthbender and made us a path to land. Also, Jack's a firebender. He helped with the drying.

**Ralph: **Like Jack, I am a firebender. I got myself all dry. I don't know how we didn't drown.

**Everyone else: **MAGIC.

* * *

**Once again, thanks for all of your reviews. :) I really appreciate it. This is quickly becoming my most popular story. Cx Seriously, it's got four chapters and the third most reviews out of all of my stories. Thank you. :D**

**AurorA**


	6. THE GHOST OF DOOM

**Percival:** We're both adorable and shy and fangirl-worthy. Let's be friends.

**Simon:** Nah, I'll continue lusting after Ralph.

**Percival:** *sniffles* Okay.

**Probably-Maurice. In the books it was Maurice:** I SHALL BE THE WOLF NOW!

**Nightkill: **I'm actually quite certain that this is Harold. But in the book it was Maurice. HOW HARD IS IT TO MAKE THAT MORRIS KID DO THIS? We're going to pretend that he is.

**Percival:** Hee hee. You're funny.

**Maurice:** I'm a nice guy. How'd I get stuck with Jack and his lot?

**Percival:** Will you be my best friend?

**Maurice:** Okay!

**Nightkill:** ...I think I just started shipping Maurice x Percival. [I've legitly written a Maurice x Percival oneshot. It's in my Thirteen Loves story.]

**Slash fans:** JOIN US.

**Nightkill:** Oh, I already have. Just with fewer pairings. [This was written a while ago. I've got lots of pairings now. My OTP is EVERYBODY X EVERYBODY. Except not Jalph, because IT'S TOO MAINSTREAM.]

**Jack:** I AM HURTING YOUR SHOULDER!

**Percival:** Okay. *tells him everything* And in the dream I had after that one, it was like SPEECH MEET FROM HELL. And-

**Jack:** I'm leaving now.

**Percival:** You hurt my shoulder. *rubs shoulder*

**Nightkill:** WHY IS THIS KID SO ADORABLE?

**Ralph:** So...?

**Jack:** He was talking about this beast-thing. And a 'speech meet from Hell.' But I cut him off on that one.

**Ralph:** WE ALREADY WENT OVER THE BEAST THING.

**Jack:** _This_ beast comes out of the sea.

**Ominous drum noises:** *are made*

**Sam or Eric:** I'm creepy-looking.

**Sam:** Maybe that's why you like Roger so much.

**Eric:** We're identical. If I'm creepy-looking, you're creepy-looking, too.

**Nightkill:** Every single time I see the waves crashing against that rock I think it's a submarine or something. And I've watched this movie about eighty times. NO JOKE.

**Maurice:** Daddy says they haven't found everything in the ocean yet. He then started talking about unicorns and sea monsters and stuff... I'm not so sure about my daddy's health... but, anyway, the one that he said was definitely definitely real was the... the... the ones that are really really long and eat people?

**Random child thirty:** A squid can't come out of the water. It's all... water-y. Can fish come out of the water?

**Random child thirty-one:** Yeah.

**Random child thirty:** And live?

**Random child thirty-one:** No.

**Nightkill:** Honestly, all the kids in this movie - with the possible exception of Piggy, but that might just be because I don't like Piggy at all - are adorable. And then you go to the 1990 version and you're like OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED. D:

**Random child thirty-two:** This isn't related to the subject at all, but maybe it's a ghost! :D

**Random child thirty-three, AKA the one with the really really funny accent: **Maybe that's what it is. A ghost.

**Piggy:** By the way, I don't believe in ghosts because I'm smart and a total know-it-all.

**Nightkill:** And what we've all wanted to say from the start...

**Jack:** Who cares what you believe? FATTY.

**Everyone:** *giggles*

**Jack:** I'm awesome.

**Simon:** I've finally got up the courage to speak, watch as they crush my spirit completely. I AM ADORABLE.

**Simon fangirls:** SIMON IS ADORABLE.

**Simon:** Maybe... maybe there is a beast?

**Everyone:** *giggles*

**Simon:** I'm sad.

**Ralph:** BE NICE. OR THE SIMON FANGIRLS WILL GET YOU. Seriously, did you see what they did to Jack earlier?

**Simon:** I... I'm going to be totally contradictory now and confuse you all, so... what if it's only us?

**Piggy:** Didn't you say there might be a beast?

**Simon:** I was implying something. *looks pointedly at Roger, who is nonchalantly readying to drop a littleun out of a tree*

**Roger:** Don't mind me, just keeping the population down.

**Ralph:** But we can't repopulate, so there's no point keeping the population down...?

**Roger:** I think this one may be mentally handicapped.

**Percival:** SAVE ME.

**Maurice:** Nooo! Not my best friend!

**Roger:** Fine. *sulks away, leaving the littleun to fend for himself on top of the tree*

**Piggy:** Anyway, YOU'RE INSANE.

**Simon:** Sadface.

**Simon fangirls:** MUST. KILL. FAT KID.

**Random child thirty-four:** I AM MODEL.

**Ralph:** *is suddenly holding the conch* It really appears to be daylight... but we should have left all of this until daylight. We're stupid for talking about ghosts at night. We're all exhausted and stuff, and we're probably going to fall asleep and have scary, scary dreams. Let's vote. Let's vote on everything. So. Who thinks there are ghosts?

**All choirboys:** *raise hands*

**Roger:** Might as well join the crowd. *raises hand. Actually, he kind of just slides it up his spear*

**Basically everyone:** *is raising their hands. It even looks like Simon is*

**Ralph:** YOU HAVE BETRAYED MY TRUST.

**Piggy:** I haven't!

**Jack:** SHUT THE FUCK UP.

**Piggy:** I stole the conch from Ralph!

**Jack:** Haha, not for much longer! *attempts to pry conch out of Piggy's hands. Piggy is surprisingly strong*

**Ralph:** He stole the conch- wait a minute, he stole the frikking conch! Anyway, let him speak-

**Jack:** And you're this scrawny little kid with funny teeth, why should we listen to you? You can't hunt. YOU CAN'T SING!

**Ralph:** How do YOU know? Um... um... JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL-

**Jack:** OH GOD MY EARS.

**Ralph:** But... I'm the chief? You chose me?

**Jack:** So?

**Ralph:** Piggy has the conch?

**Jack:** Are you and Piggy in a gay relationship?

**Ralph:** ...

**Piggy:** ...

**Simon:** WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME? I TRUSTED YOU.

**Ralph:** JACK. UNCALLED FOR.

**Jack:** Jack! Jack!

**Ralph:** You're breaking the rules!

**Jack:** Pfft, _rules_.

**Nightkill:** Keep in mind, this is the kid that said 'we're not savages' at the beginning of the movie.

**Ralph:** The rules - and each other, and the conch, and Piggy's glasses, and our shelters, and our clothing, though half of us will discard most of that soon enough - are the only think we've got.

**Jack:** Wait for it... wait for it... BOLLUCKS TO THE RULES.

**Everyone:** *gasps*

**Jack:** We're strong! Despite the oldest of us being what, twelve? And if there's a beast we can beat and beat and beat and beat and beat and beat...

**Several random children: ***go running from the gathering place screaming. Oh wait, I think they're doing something. No. No, they're not.*

**Piggy:** I wonder what I'd do if I knew I'd never see a grownup again...

**Ralph:** I should save a lot of death and give up being chief.

**Piggy:** OH GOD NO. THEN I'D DIE.

**Ralph:** You die anyway.

**Piggy:** Stop ruining the ending! Anyway, blow the conch-

**Ralph:** I still find that amusing.

**Piggy:** ...Blowing the conch makes everything better.

**Ralph:** *snickers*

**Piggy:** Make them do what you want them to do!

**Ralph:** I already do... well... kind of... I'm not blowing this thing. It's all gross with... with... germs...

**Piggy:** ...We're young boys, we don't care about germs.

**Ralph:** I'm looking for excuses! I'm just scared they won't come back after I blow *snickers* the conch.

_AWKWARD SILENCE_

**Ralph:** It looks like I'm sinking into the ground, but I just have an incredibly awkward way of sitting down.

**Piggy:** I shall follow every move you make, because I'm lame and creepy like that.

**Ralph:** ...I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that. Are there actually ghosts? Beasts?

**Piggy:** No?

**Ralph:** WELL WHY NOT?

**Piggy:** Was that the wrong answer?

**Ralph:** EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

**Piggy:** Because then _nothing_ would make sense. I'm going to go off on something that doesn't make sense either. Because if beasts exist, then houses and streets obviously couldn't exist, either. Oh, and TV. Piggy likes TV.

**Ralph:** But what if this is a... like... LIKE HARRY POTTER. EXPLAIN THAT, YOU FOOL.

**Piggy:** Harry Potter hasn't been written yet.

**Ralph:** Oops. Of course, neither has the song Friday, and the choir/hunter people were singing that.

**Piggy:** YOU'RE RIGHT. NOTHING MAKES SENSE.

* * *

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Ralph: **HEY! WE'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED TO ANTI-JALPH.

**Roger: **…What?

**Nightkill: **I have. Cx It's hilarious. But I'm still anti-Jalph. YOU SHALL NEVER CONVERT ME.

_HUNGERGAMESLOTFFAN~_

**Simon: **At least _someone_ understands.

_AZULFOXX88~_

**Nightkill: **Yeah, everybody likes Jalph. I just… don't. I'm not sure why. I mean, my favorite LotF fic is actually Jalph, but… I just… Yeah. I'm just anti-Jalph.

**90's Ralph: **Why thank you. ;)

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Sam: **I've seen-

**Eric: **A few fanarts.

**Samneric: **We are scarred for life.

_MEGAN777~_

**Simon: ***is busy frolicking with the butterflies*

**Jack: **…I don't think you'll get him to like you. We're all gay on this island. Except maybe Maurice-

**Maurice: **GAY! GAY EVERYWHERE! HUG ME ROGER!

**Roger: ***runs away from Maurice while giving Megan777 a creepy look*

**Random children: **We can reproduce asexually.

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**Random choirboy: **Perhaps that's what I was doing. Thank you for telling me.

**Piggy: **JUST SHUT UP. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS POOR, MISERABLE, MOPING, MOANING PIGGY. AND NIGHTKILL IS TOO LAZY TO GO GET HER COPY OF THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS TO COPY DOWN ALL OF MOANING MYRTLE'S ADJECTIVES, SO HA.

**Percival: ***sniffles* Thank you. I'm not cute at all in the books.


	7. THE AWESOMETASTICAL CAVE OF DOOM

**Ralph:** Back to the original topic. What if stuff was watching us? Like, stuff other than Simon, who will conveniently come up in a little bit.

**Simon:** I call you Chief Ralph. :3

**Simon fangirls:** SO ADORABLE.

**Ralph:** Holyfreakingshizwho'sthere?

**Simon:** Iiiiiit's Simon! :D

**Random children:** Some of us got distracted in the water! :D

**Piggy:** I wish my auntie was here! Though she's probably obese, too, from owning a candy shop, and they'd all probably kill her.

**Ralph:** Shut up about your auntie.

**Piggy:** But... but grownups could tell us things. They know things.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Samneric:** *are now Samneric. Except when Eric's talking about Roger. Sam refuses to be a part of that*

**Samneric:** Aw, we're still wearing our shoes! But no socks. SOCKS ARE FOR THE WEAK.

**Nightkill:** Oh god, they're adorable, too.

**Samoreric:** The fire's out. This upsets me greatly. Let's just poke it... and stuff... poke poke poke poke poke.

**Samoreric:** There's no use poking it. Why don't we have Piggy's glasses up here?

**Samoreric:** Because we were supposed to WATCH it and make sure it didn't go out. But SOMEONE couldn't pull an all-nighter.

**Samoreric:** That was you.

**Samoreric:** Oh yeah. Well, at least I don't talk in my sleep!

**Samoreric:** Oh, you do.

**Samoreric:** At least I don't talk in my sleep about DEMONS FROM HELL.

**Samoreric:** I don't talk about demons from Hell! I talk in my sleep about... um, what do I talk in my sleep about?

**Samoreric:** Roger.

**Samoreric:** Oh. Yeah. Demons from Hell. You were right.

**Samoreric:** Are we going to get on with the movie, or are we going to just sit here and discuss for another hundred or so words?

**Samoreric:** I suppose we PROBABLY should get on with the movie.

**Samoreric:** I'm going to blow on this fire and glance at you for approval...

**Samoreric:** You must be Eric- no, wait, you talk about... who cares. I'm gonna go wander off, presumably to get more firewood, but I could just be sick of you, who knows. Hey! I'm Eric. Saaaam!

**Sam:** Whatsa matter?

**Nightkill:** SUCH AN ADORABLE VOICE. SERIOUSLY. WHY ARE ALL OF THESE CHILDREN ADORABLE.

**Eric:** Shut up and come over here!

**Samneric:** We are almost creepier than Roger. Why the frownyface all the time?

**Nightkill:** Still adorable.

**Samneric:** Time to run away in half-assed panic.

**Random child thirty-five:** Why am I sleeping in the middle of camp, not in a shelter? Do they shun me or something?

**Samoreric:** It was furry and moving and-

**Samoreric:** No! No, it was slimy and zombie-like-

**Samoreric:** FURRY AND ZOMBIE-LIKE.

**Samneric:** Yeah. Furry and zombie-like. Anyway, we kind of wandered down, it wasn't actually that terrifying, but I think it almost got us. Even though it was only zombie-like and kind of slow. We ran into things though, we're still half-asleep.

**Nightkill:** Creepy look ten...

**Samneric:** AND HE CAUGHT ME AND MY AMAZINGLY DASHINGLY HANDSOME TWIN BROTHER SAVED ME.

**Ralph:** Please tell me you're joking.

**Samoreric:** *seems much more into the shaking of the head than Samoreric*

**Jack:** LET'S GO KILL SOME BEASTS! Who wants to come! :D

**Everyone:** *wants to come*

**Ralph: ***points out incredibly logical fact*

**Jack:** Psh, you think I care about logic?

**Ralph:** Don't be silly!

**Jack:** Aww, is wittle Ralphy scared?

**Ralph:** Yep.

**Jack:** Oh. You're actually supposed to disagree, and then be all, 'I'M NOT SCARED' and come with us, and be all 'AHH! I'M SCARED' when we find the beast, and then I'll be amazingly dashingly handsome and kill the beast and then you'll be like 'MY HERO' and swoon at my feet and-

**Ralph:** I'm going to interrupt your creepy little fantasy now.

**Jack:** Let's go!

**Random child thirty-six:** Littleuns?

**Ralph:** Piggy.

**Random child thirty-six:** Makes sense. He's fat and useless anyway.

**Jack:** I ask this question again: Are you and Piggy in a gay relationship? Because if you aren't, I'll be happy to step in.

**Roger:** WHY DOES NOBODY LOVE ME?

**Eric:** I don't, but I think you're sexy! :D

**Roger:** I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

**Ralph:** Even random child thirty-six knows that Piggy's fat and useless! Of course he can't help us hunt the beast!

**Jack:** He could be a sacrifice!

**Several random children led by Bill:** *run ahead. How do they know where they're going?*

**Bill:** I AM... UM... SMART.

**Everyone in the history of forever:** Who's Bill?

**Ralph:** So, anywhere you haven't been?

**Jack:** No, no- OF COURSE! That one place, you know, with the boulders conveniently placed so they could drop on someone's head!

**Roger:** I'm kind of creeping on your conversation, and also I'm adorably super-short. Like, I come up to Ralph's shoulder. BASK IN MY CREEPY CUTENESS.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random littleun:** *is bawling*

**Piggy:** *stares ahead blankly*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Creepy music:** *is played*

**Ralph and Jack:** *somehow got ahead of Bill and his little group of random children. Either that or Bill and random children went somewhere else*

**Ralph:** I'm chief, so I _must_ be the protagonist, so I shall be all... hero-y and go on alone. The rest of you... wait here. No, no, go hide. No... oh, whatever, go drown each other, I don't care.

**Everyone:** Okay.

**Ralph:** I reeeeally wanna ask you to come with me, but that would make me look bad, so pick up my hint, okay? Okay. So... are you superly sure that it's here? I mean, that's a REALLY DARK CAVE...

**Jack:** Yep.

**Ralph:** Okay. Sadface.

**Simon:** *comes up out of nowhere* I... I don't believe in the... the beast.

**Simon fangirls:** THE ONLY SENSIBLE PERSON.

**Ralph:** ...that was random. Okay. I don't really care about your opinion, but whatevs.

**Jack:** Aww, you can even see that I'm following him from here! I NOW UNDERSTAND JACK X RALPH!

**Nightkill:** I don't. D: (Actually, I do at this point. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.)

**Ralph:** I hear random rock noises - oh god that big rock just fell.

**Roger:** DAMN ME AND MY BAD AIM.

**Creepy cave-place:** *looks like an incredibly fun place to play in. I understand the kids that wanted to make a fort there*

**Ralph:** FOOTSTEPS! AHH! IT'S ROGER COMING TO EAT MY IMMORTAL SOUL- oh, hi Jack.

**Jack:** I seem to be panting. I probably climbed really really fast to catch up with you.

**Nightkill:** And this is where my best friend begins to check out Jack's chest...

_TWO WEEKS EARLIER_

**Nightkill:** *is obsessively watching Lord of the Flies*

**Nightkill's friend:** *glances over from Tumblr* He's got a really nice chest.

**Nightkill:** He's like _twelve_.

_BACK TO MOVIE_

**Jack:** I'm being all cool and stuff while Ralph's just standing up. Idiot.

**The water: ***makes creepy, beast-like sounds*

**Jack:** THIS WOULD BE AN AWESOME FORT.

**Nightkill:** EXACTLY.

**Ralph:** Okay, let's just go back, even though we've only explored a little tiny bit, I'm PRETTY sure the beast isn't here or it would've eaten us or something, so-

**Jack:** ECHO!

**Echo:** *is not made*

**Jack:** Sadface.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy:** I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He'd said that the Cullens didn't come here, but his tone had implied something more—that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.

**Littleuns:** OH GOD WHY.

**Piggy:** YOU INTERRUPTED ME. WE WERE GETTING TO THE GOOD PART.

**Littleuns:** We seem to have really decreased in number.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Everybody except Piggy&about six littleuns:** We're climbing the mountain... climbing the mountain...

**Ralph:** I don't think we should leave Piggy all alone with the littleuns. They might eat him.

**Jack:** We mustn't let anything happen to Piggy, must we?

**Slash fans:** RALPH X PIGGY FOREVER.

**Ralph:** We should send someone to go tell him that we won't be back until after dark...

**Simon:** I'm compared to Jesus, so I'll go!

**Simon fangirls:** SIMON IS JESUS.

**Roger:** I WATCH SIMON LEAVE CREEPILY. Hey, maybe there is something to this Roger x Simon bullshit.

_ABRUPT TIME CHANGE. IT IS NOW NIGHT_

**Ralph:** I'm apparently scared of the dark. First the cave, now this... we should just do this tomorrow...

**Jack:** Scardey-cat...

**Ralph:** ...Fine then, who wants to go now?

**Random child thirty-seven:** *takes a step forward*

**Ralph:** _See?_ Everyone's scared.

**Jack:** Well, I'm going! Do _you_ want to come?

**Ralph:** I don't mind...

**Jack:** If you don't _mind_ of course.

**Ralph:** NOT AT ALL.

**Nightkill:** I have never understood that exchange.

**Ralph:** I'm scared to go up with only Jack, because he might rape me or something. So... anyone wanna come?

**Roger:** Hey, my eyes look like bottomless pits of... um, blackness!

**Jack:** Okay... fine... come on, Roger.

**Roger:** :D

**Jack and Ralph:** *are way ahead of Roger*

**Jack:** I'll go by myself, if you want.

**Roger:** NO! WAIT FOR ME! I SHALL PROTECT YOU FROM THE BEAST!

**Ralph:** Okay! We'll wait.

**Roger:** DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME.

**Random child thirty-eight:** This was an abrupt scene change, so see me all depressed! I don't even know who or where I am! I look kind of like Henry! Hooray! I might be someone!

_BACK TO ROGER AND RALPH_

**Roger:** I seem to leaning against Ralph's leg while bashing this stick against some rocks.

**Slash fans:** EVIDENCE!

**Ralph:** I'm sick of this! *leans over Roger and grabs onto his stick. Oh lord, that sounds wrong* SHUT UP.

**Roger:** Fine then. *turns to watch Jack or something. Or maybe he's just turning away from Ralph*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random children thirty-nine and forty:** We're creepy.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack:** FLYING ENTRANCE!

* * *

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Roger: **I was dark in the book, too. At least they kept us matched. It's weird, because me and Simon symbolize the natural good in humans and the natural 'evil' in humans, and we look similar in both the book and the movie. Of course, the 90's movie ruins that-

**Ralph: **SHUT UP. MY MOM SAYS I'M BEAUTIFUL.

**Percival: **I'm the most adorable child ever. And also I was the only professional actor in this film. :D At least that's what Nightkill read on my website. Maybe I just went on to be a professional actor…

**Simon: ***faints*

_PRINCESASOFIA~_

**Simon: **And we've got someone wanting to be president of Simon fangirls! Anyone want to challenge her?

_MEGAN777~_

**Maurice: **Nightkill's under the impression that I'm actually just like Roger, except I hide it better. She even wrote a oneshot about it, and it kind of explains why I hang out with Roger sometimes. Of course, he could have just convinced me to go kill sandcastles with him, but that's no fun to think, is it?

**Jack: **DON'T JOIN CHOIR? WHAT KIND OF IDIOT ARE YOU? CHOIR IS LIKE GOD.

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Percival: **Thank you. :3

**Roger: **I was already awesome. Except I think the movie actually fits me in better than the books, because in the books I've got a line here and there, and then there's the whole killing sandcastles thing, but in the movie we've got like eighty three-second shots of me. And stuff. Yeah.

**Maurice: **We can share him! How about I get him on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays, and you can have him the other days of the week? Does that work? We could do that! :D Good doing business with you. Ah, damn, you get him today-

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Jack: ***shoves curler behind conveniently placed rock* N-no! What are you talking about?

**Roger: **I'll help you! I can be a Jack fangirl! Anyone else want to join us?

_ALLTHEGOODNONESAREGONE~_

**Percival: **It did hurt.

**Camera Man: **Well, we can't focus on Jack and Ralph all the time. Plus these kids are adorable. HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

**Random children: **Yeah, we don't really know what was happening there.

**Piggy: **SHUT UP.

* * *

**And here we go! Also, my birthday's on Monday, and that doesn't really affect the story, but, whatever, just a random tidbit of information. I'll be fifteen. :D That's happy. I believe.**

**But, whatever. See you next week!**


	8. THE CENSORED RAPE SCENE OF DOOM

**Roger:** Did I like, touch you while you were jumping? Seriously, why is my hand up?

**Jack:** I saw something! And there was a funny noise!

**Roger:** I'm not going to mention that it might be a giant frog, because that would be stupid.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random children:** WE ARE SCARED.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Roger:** ...I actually seem to be in the lead, how did I get way behind?

_TIMESKIP_

**RalphJackRoger:** *are now at the top of the mountain*

**Jack:** Don't let it see you! It could eat you! Maybe that's why those littleuns went missing!

**Roger:** No. No, that's not why those littleuns went missing.

**Ralph:** I look very sad.

**Jack:** *creeps into view*

**Roger:** And this is _the_ creepiest look I will ever give the camera, INCLUDING the one right before Piggy dies.

**Nightkill:** Creepy look eleven...

**Roger:** Imma put my hand on Jack's shoulder here...

**Jack:** NO! *slaps Roger's hand away*

**Roger:** Okay. *holds Jack's stick*

**Dead parachuter:** FEAR ME.

**RalphJackRoger:** *run away screaming*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack:** *apparently fell down a lot while running away screaming* Mmkay, so there's a beast. We went really close. Then Roger tried to rape me, but that's irrelevant. But, anyway, it sat up and looked at us.

**Ralph:** It's only about the size of an adult human, I doubt a group of a few dozen boys could take it down. This is really random, but we wouldn't be able to fight a tiger, either. We'd all hide. Even Jack.

**Roger:** I would trip a bunch of littleuns and climb a really tall tree...

**Everyone:** We've learned it's best to ignore Roger.

**Jack:** My hunters could take it down. WE HAVE SPEARS.

**Ralph:** *cough*Sticks that are kinda sharpened. Which is really too bad for Simon*cough*

**Jack:** Okay then, time for Plan B - say why I'm soooosososo much better than Ralph! :D He's not a hunter, therefore he sucks. He's never gotten meat for us.

**Random child forty-one:** *is raising up his spear like he's going to throw it at Ralph*

**Jack:** He just gives orders and stuff.

**Ralph:** Isn't that what a leader does?

**Jack:** STOP WITH YOUR LOGIC. He's like Piggy, and if he sits around much longer, he'll be as fat as Piggy, too!

**Nightkill:** One of my little brother's friends looks like the Piggy in this movie. It's my greatest dream for him to come over so I can throw rocks at him. TEAM ROGER FOR LIFE.

**Jack:** He's a coward! It's time to blatantly lie! Me and Roger went up the mountain _alone._

**Roger:** I wish...

**Jack:** He stayed behind.

**Ralph:** *has a fairly gorilla-like stance* I went too!

**Jack:** Yeah... um... _after_.

**Ralph:** ME WENT TOO. YOU RAN AWAY. WE ALL DID. SCREAMING FAIRLY GIRLISH SCREAMS.

**Jack:** We're, what, eleven? We can get away with that.

**Ralph:** Shut up, I'm trying to make a point.

**Jack:** Back to original point. You call me a coward? All this is just _talk_. I say... BATTLE TO THE DEATH! :D

**Ralph:** Talk, talk, talk- wait a minute, what did you just say?

**Jack:** Right! I'm going to leave! Time to be a lovely evil person! Yay! I'm leaving! Who wants to come?

**Roger:** Maybe I was lying. Maybe this is the creepiest look I give the camera.

**Nightkill:** That's number twelve...

**Jack:** I'm going to go have fun. Anyone who wants that's not Piggy or Ralph or Simon because I feel like discriminating against him because he's not pure evil can come too.

_Nobody follows except Ralph._

**Piggy:** Well this is a twist in the plot- oh, he's just trying to get him to come back. All right then.

**Ralph:** JAAAACK!

**Roger:** I would've gone, but I'm going to get to stare at Simon in a little bit, so just wait a bit. Then I'll be away from these annoyingly moral people.

**Jack:** *is super-adorable. Aww, look, he's going to cry! :D So cuteee*

**Piggy:** I already said, even though I actually didn't, it must have been off-camera, we could do without He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and hey, we can!

**Ralph:** ...He's been gone for five seconds. By the way, what am I writing in the sand? It looks like I'm writing Jack, but like I did it backwards... oh, who cares, anyway? Maybe I wrote my name.

**Piggy:** *keeps rambling on*

**Ralph:** No, no, that's a v... Screw this.

**Piggy:** RALPH. PAY ATTENTION. I HAS THE CONCH.

**Ralph:** Oh, what? I was ignoring you.

**Piggy:** Well, we can't have a fire on the mountain, so what if we have a fire down here where littleuns could fall in and possibly get roasted-

**Roger:** Even though I'm only here to stare at Simon a bit, ROGER APPROVES.

**Simon:** *is wearing no shirt*

**Ralph:** That's a great idea! We can build it right between the shelters, so that they might catch on fire!

**Roger:** LET THE STARING BEGIN.

**Nightkill:** Number thirteen...

**Simon:** I... feel violated. And... I think we ought to climb the mountain.

**Piggy:** Psh, why?

**Roger:** STARE AT SHIRTLESS SIMON.

**Nightkill:** You know, now I kind of get where the Roger x Simon peoples are coming from. But they go about it all wrong.

**Simon:** *looks completely and utterly dejected* Okay. My soul has been crushed. Again. And tonight it shall be my body- not like _that_, Ralph, get your mind out of the gutter.

**Ralph:** *giggles* Sorry.

**Simon:** But... um... what else could we do?

**Roger:** I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I'm going to adjust my staring position.

**Ralph:** Well, we could build the fire that we were talking about, or track down the littleuns that went missing, or set up a proper guard to make sure people don't run in and steal stuff, or teach everyone about the importance of caring about human life-

**Roger:** This and the absolute sexiness of Jack Merridew is why I leave you people.

**Piggy:** *gasps* You said his name!

**Roger:** Come on, this isn't Harry Potter, I'm not calling him The Dark Lord.

**Simon:** I- no, that's stupid. *hits himself. Actually, he's probably just killing a bug*

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Jack:** Ready... aim... fire! *throws spear* I shall now proceed to attack this tree with my spear. And then sharpen my spear, because, not only does that sound wrong, but it got all messed up. GOD I'M SO LONELY.

**Roger:** *has a really good arm. He also managed to hit the spot that Jack hit while standing far away* This is the only genuine smile you will get from me! I am happy! Alone with Jack at last! *grins*

**Nightkill:** Aw... that's not a creepy look, that's just cute~

**Eric:** JOIN ME.

**Jack:** I HAVE FRIEND!

**Roger:** Fuck, it's hard to move in all these things. So, how's it going?

**Jack:** I AM OVERWHELMED WITH HAPPINESS.

**Roger:** This is really weird. I don't know if I can stand being this happy for much longer. Oh, I'll be cute some more and flick this random piece of tree off of Jack's shoulder.

**Jack:** BFFS FOREVER.

**Nightkill:** Or something more... *proceeds to clog Lord of the Flies fanfiction archive with multiple Jack x Roger stories* Come on, where are my slash fan friends at a time like this?

**Slash fans:** ...Nah, not enough material.

**Nightkill:** WHY DOES NO-ONE SEE THE AMAZINGNESS OF JACK X ROGER?

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE-wait a minute, not really. The camera's just looking down on them, and they are rather close. :D_

_NOW ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** I hate this. Piggy, Y U NO WORK?

**Piggy:** I'm going to just order everyone around. Yay me! Put some dry leaves on over there... no, no over there! OVER THERE YOU IDIOT.

**Random child forty-two:** ...I hate my life.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Bill - or, if they've joined Jack already, it might be Roger: ***throws sticks over random choirboy's head*

**Random choirboys:** WE HAVE BROMANCE.

**Jack:** THIS WAY.

_Nightkill:_ Seriously. Why must Bill and Roger walk beside each other. Why must they both be blonde. MOVIE. Y U NO ACCURATE. SIMON NEEDS TO BE TAN AND BLACK-HAIRED. ROGER NEEDS TO HAVE BLACK HAIR, TOO. EXPLICITLY STATED BY THE BOOK. Though I will admit I love these versions, they're adorable.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** I'm apparently drawing in the sand with this random kid.

**Random child forty-three:** I HAVE A FRIEND! :D

**Simon:** I'm going to leave now. With no shirt. And halfway there I'm going to remember Roger's creepy stares and put on a shirt. Yay inconsistencies! :D

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Roger:** Oh look, I already have some of my extremely creepy face paint on. But later, after we kill the pig, there will just be some white stuff on my cheeks where it wasn't before, and all the black stuff will be gone.

**Jack:** Shut up about inconsistencies and come on.

**Roger:** I apparently already am second in command. I wave my hand and everyone follows. I could get used to this.

**Jack:** Well don't. I'm chief.

**Roger:** They think you're Voldemort, you know.

**Jack:** NOW.

_We don't actually see them killing a pig. We just see a whole bunch of kids throw spears and rocks down, and Jack leaps down with his knife. A bunch of squealing is heard. It's probably a good thing they don't show it, considering this was a 'rape' scene in the book. Roger and the lodgement for his point. xP_

**Simon:** BEHOLD. A SHIRT. And I am sad for the loss of Mrs. Piggy, killed in my lovely little candle-flower place. WOE IS ME.

**Jack:** *is laying on the pig*

**Roger:** I CAN TOUCH YOU. *touches Jack's shoulder* Oh, and I have no idea who says the 'right up the ass' line, but yes, I did shove a spear up a pig's ass. Though, in the book that makes no sense unless I stole a spear from someone else, because it says one of the piglets squealed dementedly and ran away _with my spear_. But enough of what the book thinks. This is the movie. And the blood on this spear is kind of gross, considering it came from a _pig's ass._

**Nightkill:** Creepy look fourteen.

**Jack:** *finds blood somewhere and smears it on random choirboy's face. It looks like that Harold kid* Sharpen a stick AT BOTH ENDS.

**Roger:** Yes, O Ominous-sounding One. *sharpens a stick. AT BOTH ENDS. And shoves it into the ground without being told, so apparently he can mind-read*

**Nightkill:** Wait… wait… that's not Roger! I see dark hair! MY LIFE IS A LIE.

**Gross noises:** *are made*

**Maurice:** *looks kind of grossed out*

**Jack:** This head is for the beast. And at the end of this movie, we're going to do the same to Ralph!

**Random choirboys:** *cheer*

**Jack:** It's a present, so that the beast will like us.

**THE LORD OF THE FLIES:** I was actually a pretty cute pig.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

* * *

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Roger: **…Shut up. It's not my fault I'm short.

**Piggy: **I am _totally _team Edward. Vampires are, like, the most amazing thing evar.

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Slash fans: **Don't like slash? *faints*

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Jack: **…Fine.

**Ralph: **NO. I WILL NEVER TAKE OFF MY SHIRT. IT IS THE MARK OF CIVILIZATION TO WEAR SHIRTS. SO I WILL NEVER TAKE IT OFF. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

**Jack: **Uh… older than eleven, at the oldest fourteen or so? Just a guess…

**Nightkill: **Haha, thank you. :3

**Piggy: **NEVER! Next week we're starting _New Moon!_

* * *

**Once again, thank you all for your reviews and whatnot. :D **


	9. THE STARING CONTEST OF DOOM

**Ralph:** I'm going to rant to you, because you will take any sort of attention you get. But... don't they understand that they're being idiots? I mean, I know they're being idiots and I'm a twelve year old kid! Jack's the same age as me, or maybe even older! I'm sure some of them have at least an average intelligence level, why are they so stupid? Hey, why haven't you tried to interrupt me?

**Piggy:** *starts to answer*

**Ralph:** No, no, this is nice, don't talk.

**Piggy:** Okay then...

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random choirboys:** Where did Samneric go? We need them to carry the pig! D:

**Nightkill:** The real reason they wanted Samneric to join their tribe.

**Random choirboys:** And guess what? WE STILL SING! FRIDAY FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY.

**Simon:** I got rid of my shirt because Roger left.

**THE LORD OF THE FLIES:** Yo, Simon. Over here.

**Simon:** .

**THE LORD OF THE FLIES:** Chill out, kid, I just want to have a staring contest.

**Simon:** Sounds good to me.

_And then Simon had a staring contest with THE LORD OF THE FLIES. He lost, so he had to get killed by a bunch of little boys with only slightly sharpened sticks and broke many hearts with his screams when he was dying._

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph and about five other kids:** We're the only non-evil people left.

**About five other kids:** That's what Ralph thinks...

**Ralph:** It's going to storm.

**About five other kids:** Yeah, we couldn't tell that from the thunder.

**Piggy:** Hold on, hold on. The fire. What about the fire. Oh. My. God. The fire is going to go out. Like-

**Ralph:** Stop. Just... stop.

**Random child forty-four:** I am in the shelter. Because I'm worth it.

**Jack and two random choirboys:** *creep in creepily*

**Random choirboys:** We have these weird hat-things.

**Jack and random choirboys:** EEHOHA LKJLELKJE ALKEJALJLEKJF ALJKSLE

**Ralph:** Hey! Hey! Come back! What did you just say?

**About five other kids:** Yeah! Come back!

**Random child forty-five:** CLOTHES ARE FOR THE WEAK.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon:** I fainted and my nose bled offscreen. Oh, and then I cleaned myself up. Yeah, it works that way. I think I'll go this way. There's no better time to check out what the beast really is than almost-night! :D

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random children:** WOO! WE'RE SAVAGES! WE ARE HAPPY! WE DANCE AND BANG ON STUFF WITH STICKS AND GO OOOOOOHHHOAHAHAOHAAA! IT'S SPECIAL SAVAGE LANGUAGE, BITCHES.

**Jack:** BOW BEFORE ME.

**Random children:** WEWAWOWE. WEWAWOWE.

**Nightkill:** I am not making this up. That is legitly what they are saying.

**Percival:** I HAVE FOUND FRIENDS. FRIEND TO BANG STUFF WITH STICKS WITH.

**Roger:** I LEAD THE WEWAWOWE WITH MY STICK-BANGING.

**Roger:** ahhh-AHHHH-ahhh

**Random childen forty-six and forty-seven**: ...Are we smoking? Seriously, what are we doing? Pretending to smoke? Just randomly sticking stuff in our mouths?

**Roger: **ahhh-AHHHH-ahhh. *bangs stick on rock ferociously* AHHHHHH!

**Nightkill:** The most terrifying scream I have ever heard. I _so_ want it as a ringtone. Just imagine - you get a call or a text in a public place - AHHHHH!

**Random child forty-eight AKA THE WONDERFUL DANCER:** Watch this. *does the funnniest, awesomest dance EVAR.*

**Jack:** Yeah, I'm awesome. And very, very sunburned.

**Ralph, Piggy, Samneric, and unimportant children:** We're so not evil, we just... um...

**Unimportant children:** We're evil! :D

**Random child forty-eight:** There are a lot of bananas on this island, apparently.

**Jack:** ...Why are they- oh, whatever. Take 'em some food. They'll join me eventually.

**Random children forty-nine and fifty:** GET YOUR BANANAS HERE. EAT YOUR BANANAS, CHARLIE. BANANAS. BANANAS. BANANAS.

**Samoreric:** I must be Eric. I am touching Roger. I AM TOUCHING ROGER. IT IS TIME FOR MY HAPPY-AND-SLIGHTLY-TERRIFIED DANCE. *does a dance that would make THE WONDERFUL DANCER proud*

**Roger:** ...I don't know how much longer I'll be able to tolerate this.

**Hunters:** WEWAWOWO. WEWAWOWO. WEWAWOWO.

**Jack:** My stomach has escaped most of the sunburnage.

**Ralph and Piggy:** We got bananas from the banana guys. And are sitting waaay close together. We're scared.

**Piggy:** I said something.

**Ralph:** It looks like I said, Shut up, Piggy.

**Jack:** So. Joining my tribe. WHO'LL DO IT?

**Roger:** I'm going to add to the chaos by banging this stick on this other stick.

**Random child fifty-one:** Jack! Hey, Jack, I'll join your tribe, Jack!

**Jack:** You already joined my tribe.

**Random child fifty-one:** I'll join your tribe again, Jack.

**Sam:** I can teleport. I got us away from Roger.

**Jack:** I AM TOUCHING YOU.

**Eric:** TELEPORT. TELEPORT. TELEPORT. THREE. TWO. ONE.

**Jack:** WHO WILL JOIN MY TRIBE?

**Samneric:** *split and run for their lives*

**Random child fifty-two:** *raises hand rather high. He is obviously excited about joining Jack's tribe*

**Jack:** So. I gave you food and stuff. Oh, and my hunters will protect you from the beast. Despite the slight physical abuse *shoves random child fifty-three's head*, it's great! I repeat, Who will join my tribe?

**Nightkill: **Oh, good, that's not Maurice. I thought it was for a second. I think it's not. Probably.

**Random child fifty-one:** I will, Jack! I will!

**Jack:** ...Once again, YOU HAVE ALREADY JOINED MY TRIBE.

**Everyone except Ralph, Piggy, and Samneric:** WE SHALL JOIN THE DARK SIDE.

**Ralph:** I look slightly deranged. BUT STILL. I'M CHIEF. AND THE FIRE.

**Jack:** Well, I'm sure we won't do this, but we could still keep up the fire. Hell, you could do it...

**Ralph:** SHUT UP. I'VE GOT THE... oh crap, I left the conch at home.

**Jack:** Ha, you haven't got it with you. See? Yo, banana peoples, throw me a banana. *eats the banana. Also manages to talk clearly while chewing on the banana*

**Ralph:** The conch counts EVERYWHERE.

**Thunder:** *sounds kind of like a plane*

**Random child fifty-four:** I am also known as the child with extremely perfect features.

**Jack:** Who will join my tribe?

**Random child fifty-one:** Me! Me! I'll join your tribe, Jack.

**Random child fifty-five:** LET'S JOIN JACK'S TRIBE.

**Roger:** What this needs is some BANGING ON STICKS WITH STICKS! WOOHOO! I have a rhythm this time!

**Ralph:** *touches Piggy*

**Piggy:** Hey, let's go into the woods alone. There's going to be trouble here.

**Roger:** ahhh-AHHH-ahhh. *then does some weird thing I'm not quite sure how to type out. something like OHALKJELAHOH*

**Random child fifty-six:** AHHHHHHHH!

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Simon:** I'm all alone. And walking slowly toward the camera rather, creepily, seriously, it looks like I'm going to walk straight through the screen. Oh. That's a dead parachuter. Seriously, how did they not realize this was just a dead guy? It must be almost dark now, and I'm absolutely sure it's just a dead guy.

**Dead guy:** Iiiii'm a dead guy!

**Simon:** I'm always right. Why don't they listen to me?

**Dead guy:** Because that would be logical.

**Simon:** Ah. That makes sense. Well, time for me to go die!

**Dead guy:** Have fun!

_THE MOST ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE EVER. WE HEAR SCREAMS... AND IT IS SUDDENLY NIGHT_

* * *

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Roger: **I am _not _adorable. I'm creepy. And also I'm not the definition of awesome, unless your definition of awesome is I'm going to kill and eat your babies.

**Nightkill: **Oh wait that is the definition of awesome.

**Roger: **And I'm _not _short. I'm just… vertically challenged. And that sounds worse.

_PRINCESASOFIA~_

**Roger: **…I really should start charging for these. *creepy look*

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Ralph: **What? No! I take it back! I take it back!

**Piggy: **And also because Edward's sparkly. SPARKLES.

**Simon: **Oh… okay.

**Nightkill: **ALSO YOU ARE THE GREATEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED. AND ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE FIFTIETH REVIEW.

_DRAGONWRITERZZ~_

**The Lord of the Flies: **Yep. You wanna have a staring contest, too? I promise I won't make little boys murder you.

**Ralph: **I'M SORRY, OKAY?

**Nightkill: **Ah, I'm glad you like it. :3

_CATSBYGATSBY3199~_

**Simon: **It wouldn't have hurt so much, but they killed her _in my special place. _It made me very sad.

**Jack: **What? A twin? Why was I not aware of this? What is going on?

**Roger: **Of course it's fun to stare at Simon. Why wouldn't it be?


	10. THE IS THE ONLY CHARACTER ROGER OF DOOM

**Group of random children:** FIRE!

**Jack:** FIRE! I'm going to spin around in a circle with this fire, that's a great idea, and then THROW IT INTO THE SEA.

**Random children:** AHHALKEJA. YAAAY. DLAKJL;E.

**Random child fifty-seven:** MARCO.

_AND THEN NOBODY SAID POLO AND HE WAS SAD._

**Roger:** I am spinning this small stick of flame rather quickly and looking menacingly into the camera.

**Nightkill:** You know, once his savage paint covers up the bags under his eyes, his looks become less creepy and more 'Aww! Cute wittle savage'-like.

**Roger:** I PROVE YOU WRONG WITH THIS DISTURBING FACE.

**Nightkill:** ...Creepy look fifteen.

**Roger:** KILL. THE. BEAST.

**Maurice:** Kill the beast!

**That-Harold-Kid:** Kill the beast! Cut her throat! Bash her in!

**That-Harold-Kid:** *is moving his head all funny*

**Everybody:** Kill the beast! Cut her throat! Bash her in!

_AND THIS GOES ON FOR A LONG LONG TIME_

**Roger:** I AM HAVING FUN. CAN'T YOU SEE FROM THE DISTURBING SLIGHTLY SLASHER SMILE.

**Nightkill:** Creepy look sixteen.

**Ralph:** I look slightly brainwashed. MUST. KILL. BEAST. MUST. SLIT. THROAT. MUST. BASH. IN.

**Roger:** KILL THE BEAST! YEAHHHHH!

**Nightkill:** There's a lot of Roger in this part.

**Random children fifty-eight:** *runs away screaming*

**Roger:** I'm having fun with this pointy stick. Oooh. *waves stick around and stabs at camera*

**Jack:** There had been far too little Jack. RANDOM JACK APPEARANCE.

**Ralph:** I am getting into this. Yay savagery!

**Roger:** Mwahahahaha...

**Nightkill:** Creepy look seventeen.

**Several random children:** *are running around and screaming*

**Random child fifty-nine:** *sticks his head in camera view, screams, and runs away*

**Simon:** I'm stumbling down the mountain, the mountain, the mountain. I'm stumbling down the mountain... because I'm stupid.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE TO SEVERAL DISTURBING SHOTS OF ROGER_

**Roger:** Zoom out. ZOOM OUT AWAY FROM MY FACE. GET BACK, I SAY! BACK! BACK!

**Random children:** KILL THE BEAST LAKJLKA CUT HIS THROAT SCREAM BASH HIM IN SEVERAL WEIRD NOISES ARE MADE

**Roger:** Look!

**All noises:** *cease*

**Roger:** The beast!

**Nightkill:** You know, I thought it was Jack that said that for the majority of the times I've watched the movie. Damn Roger and his ever-changing voice…

**Simon:** I'm just wandering around, doo doo doo... hey, people with spears! I think I'll go toward them.

**Savages:** AHHHH!

**Simon:** AHHHH!

**Simon Fangirls:** ...We have no reason to live. Well, we can move on to loving Piggy. It would just be mean to kill him, right? Nobody would kill Piggy, right?

**Roger:** The slasher grin returns.

**Simon- er, Piggy Fangirls:** ...We hate our inability to choose characters that don't die.

**Roger:** Hey, the slasher grin actually did return! DIE! DIE! DIE SIMON- ER, BEAST, DIE!

**Random children:** WOOHOO! WE'RE KILLING THE BEAST!

**Roger:** KILL. KILL.

**Random child sixty:** KILL KILL KILL.

**Simon's Body:** *is floating in the water*

**Sad music:** *begins to play*

**Simon fangirls:** Screw Piggy, we're committing suicide.

**Peter Brooks:** If we just pull his body out of camera slowly, nobody will notice... no, no Simon, don't breathe, we're making this realistic... crap, he just rolled onto his stomach. Well, it's 1963, we can get away from anything.

_NOT VERY ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE WITH SPARKLY WATER FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES_

**Piggy:** I'm moving very slowly. I'm probably sore from... um... did I participate in the dance last night? Ralph was all zombie-like, Jack did a bunch of stuff, half of the dance _was_ Roger... Simon died... did I just sit at the outskirts or something? Well, enough contemplating life, time to clean up my glasses. Hey, look, it's Ralph! I should put on my glasses so I can see him better- OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE.

**Ralph:** Shut. Up. So. Are you the only one that hasn't betrayed me?

**Piggy:** Weeelll... there are a few littleuns...

**Ralph:** Littleuns aren't human.

**Piggy:** Samneric. I think they're collecting wood because, you know, that's the only thing they do for us is the fire.

**Ralph:** That's it? What about Maurice? Bill? Robert? Roger? Jack? Simon?

**Piggy:** Savage, who?, savage, demon, chief savage dude, dead.

**Ralph:** Piggy.

**Piggy:** *totally ignores him*

**Ralph:** I said, PIGGY.

**Piggy:** Oh, what?

**Ralph:** Simon's dead. That was murder.

**Piggy:** *is immediately defensive* NO. NO. THAT WASN'T MURDER. YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP. STOP RUINING MY LIFE. AND MY SELF-ESTEEM. SHUT UP. JUST STOP.

**Ralph:** O.O

**Piggy:** Besides, it was dark. And Roger was being weird. We were _scared_. There was thunder and lightning and rain that didn't really affect the fire at all. It wasn't... um..

**Ralph:** OH PIGGY.

**Slash fans:** Simon's dead. Ralph x Piggy is sofreakingcanon.

**Piggy:** Hey, he's not telling me to shut up! I'll continue! It was an accident, anyway. I'm sure they didn't mean to stab a Simon-like figure. Besides, he was freaking insane.

**Ralph:** ...I want to go home, now.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random child sixty-one:** CLOTHES ARE FOR THE- OW! Ow. Ow. I can apparently say ow in three different voices. That's weird. Time to change it up a bit. AH.

**Jack:** Hahahahaha. Wow. That was a creepy laugh.

**Maurice:** I'm funny. :D

**Jack:** So. We're gonna go hunting again tomorrow. FOR RALPH I mean what. That's not tomorrow. That's in a few days. We've gotta kill Fatty first- I mean, we'll leave another head for the beast.

_IT IS SILENT_

**Jack:** Well this is awkward... how about a few stay and guard? Yeah, we can work with that. Because... because the beast could come and try to- what is it The Only Ugly Kid in This Movie.

**The Only Ugly Kid in This Movie:** But... uh... didn't we... you know... cut his throat... bash him in?

**Roger:** Psh, no, that was Simon.

**Nightkill:** Upon further inspection it appears that Roger was not, in fact, the person whipping Random child sixty-one, and was in fact just standing creepily on a rock near Jack's head.

**Jack:** Roger. That's a secret. Nooooo. How could we? The beast is a freaking idea, it's not actually a physical being - I mean, the beast has many slaves to do its will. It just came in the form of... something... and it could come again.

_THERE IS SILENCE_

**Jack:** We can never have enough feasts. We'll have one tomorrow, too. And there will be another dance, and we can sacrifice a littleun.

**Bill:** CHIEF.

**Jack:** Ohmygodyoustillexist- I mean, what, Bill?

**Bill:** So, how are we going to get fire, exactly?

**Jack:** We'll steal the fat kid's glasses.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Piggy:** I could've sworn it was day a second ago... but, anyway, we've gotta get rescued. I have a feeling that a giant rock is going to come crashing down on my head.

**Ralph:** Come on, be serious.

**Piggy:** I mean it. And even if I don't die, we'll all go insane, anyway. It's a lose-lose situation.

**Ralph**: Yeah... what are Samneric doing, I see an arm moving in a creepy way, that's just weird.

**Sam:** He's having weird dreams about Roger again. I'm trying to get him to wake up.

**Ralph**: Ah. Well, I'm going to go to sleep now, hold on, there are more pressing matters. Piggy, have you written a letter to your auntie lately.

**Piggy:** You're stupid. No, of course not. I'm on a fricking deserted island, how am I supposed to get a letter to my auntie? Besides, I don't know where she is, I don't have anything to write with, and there's no. Fricking. Postman.

**Ralph:** I find this incredibly hilarious.

**Piggy:** WTF.

**Ralph:** This is really funny-

**Random voice in the distance: **Piiiiggyyyy

**Ralph:** WTF IS THAT.

* * *

_PRINCESSESOFIA~_

**Roger: **Thank you-

**Simon:** Thank you for the hug. Dying was a very traumatic experience for me.

**Ralph:** Hey! What did I do?

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Roger: **…Okay?

**The Lord of the Flies:** I rather enjoyed the staring contest as well. Weirdly enough, people rarely take me up on my offer to have a staring contest with them. It's like they can't handle the extreme consequences…

_AZULFOXX88~_

**Ralph: **…but he's kind of insane, honestly – wait, hold on a minute, Piggy's death? He wasn't insane when he was talking about a big rock crashing down on his head!

**Roger:** You know, it kind of is. And you know what else? I think I won.

_DRAGONWRITERZZ~_

**Ralph: **It seems you're the only one that does.

**Simon: **I'm sorry, I just felt so bad that nobody ever wanted to have staring contests with him-her-whatever, so…

**Dead Guy: **Of course! :D

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Simon: **Thank you. :)


	11. THE GIGANTIC ROCK AND FINALE OF DOOM

**Random voice in the distance:** Piggy.

**Ralph:** DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

**Piggy:** You just-

**Ralph:** SHUT UP. SUCKS TO YOUR ASSMAR. JUST BE QUIET.

**Random voice in the distance:** Come out here, Piggy. Piggy.

**While the first voice in the distance was high and beautiful, this one's deep and creepy: **WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, PIGGY. WE'RE GOING TO BASH YOUR HEAD IN WITH A ROCK-

**Jack:** Roger. Shut up, he'll know it's you.

**Savages:** *laugh maniacally and ATTACK*

**Samneric:** WE HAVE WEAK DEFENSES. AH. STOP CRAWLING OVER US, THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

**Ralph:** I HIT YOU.

**Piggy:** Ahhh!

**Samoreric:** A BRANCH JUST FELL ON MY HEAD.

**Samorericormayberalph:** Look at me, brave enough to attack a random - ow! Ow! Let go of my head!

**Jack and Random Savages:** *run away*

**Jack:** You've got them. Awesome. Now I'm going to pretend to be Piggy. Piggy apparently walks funny.

**Other Savages:** *find this IMMENSELY funny*

_THEY ARE GETTING BETTER AT THE SCENE CHANGES_

**Random non-savages:** *are walking down the beach*

**Ralph:** Don't worry you guys... I've got the conch... sigh...

**Piggy:** I can walk pretty well without having my glasses. I haven't run into anything yet.

**Samneric:** CLOTHES ARE FOR THE WEAK.

**Random little boy walking like a model:** TRUE DAT.

**Piggy:** I took the conch away from a depressed Ralph to say this - I am completely blind.

**Samneric:** Who cares. We don't have clothing on.

**Piggy:** I need them back. So. What're we going to do?

**Samneric:** ...Get them back.

_ABRUPT SCENE CHANGE_

**Random savages:** *are wearing more clothes than non-savages*

**Samneric:** WE HAVE FOUND OUR PANTS.

**The alarm:** *is some kid going WOO. WOO*

**Roger:** HEY. MY FACE PAINT IS MESSED UP. BUT ANYWAY. WOW. MY VOICE IS KINDA DEEP FOR A TWELVE YEAR OLD. WHO GOES THERE.

**Ralph:** SHUT UP. YOU KNOW WHO I AM. THERE IS ONLY ONE CONCH, ONE FAT KID, AND ONE TWINS. WHO ELSE WOULD I BE.

**Roger:** ...Point taken.

**Ralph:** *blows the conch* I'M CALLING AN ASSEMBLY.

**The response:** *is an automatic BOOOO*

**Roger:** When in doubt, throw rocks at people! :D *hits Ralph with one*

**Ralph:** OW. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY HIT ME.

**Roger:** THE BOOK SAYS I THROW ROCKS. I CHOOSE TO THROW ROCKS AT YOU.

**That-Harold-Kid:** ...what happened to the majority of my hair.

**Jack:** I hear booing! What's going on!

**Piggy:** Nooo! Don't leave me!

**Ralph:** DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Because you said that, I'm going to give you something to hold on to when you're already half falling off, and then I'm going to leave you. So, HA.

**Jack:** Seriously, dude, I was busy. Make it quick.

**Roger:** I'm going to nonchalantly slide this stick underneath this large rock here...

**Jack:** Go away Ralph. I don't like you. Stay over on your side. This is my tribe, leave us alone.

**Ralph:** You took my new best friend's specs!

**Piggy:** Wasn't I always your best friend?

**Ralph:** No. Jack, you have to give them back.

**Jack:** Who says?

**Ralph:** Me!

**Jack:** Psh, you don't matter.

**Ralph:** You're a thief!

**Jack:** What did you just say?

**Ralph:** THIEF.

**Jack:** Who's a thief?

**Ralph:** ARE YOU DEAF. YOU ARE. *grabs onto Jack's spear and pushes him backward*

**Piggy:** RALPH. WHERE ARE YOU. I CAN'T SEE YOU. REMEMBER TO GRAB MY GLASSES.

**Ralph**: I AM SLIGHTLY INSANE-LOOKING. There could be a ship, or plane!

**Jack:** I look completely composed, but that could just be the fricking leaf that's covering up my face. Anyway, GRAB THE TWINS. WE WANT TWINS.

**Samneric:** AHHHH!

**Jack:** They do whatever I want. And it's totally not because I've got a sadist that will kill them if they do anything out of line.

**Roger:** Hi!

**Ralph:** YOU'RE A BEAST AND A SWINE AND A BLOODY BLOODY THIEF.

**Roger:** That wasn't very nice... oh, you were talking to Jack. Whatever, then. I'll go back to planning my killing of the fat one.

**Ralph:** BATTLE TO THE DEATH BEGINS...

**Jack:** NOW!

**Piggy:** What is going on?

**Ralph:** *is kind of failing* I can't deal with this anymore. I PUSH YOUR LEG, SIR.

**Piggy:** I'm under the delusion that the conch still works. Let me speak! I have the conch!

**Roger:** Psh, the conch. The conch will be broken when I'm done with it... I see fat little Piggy, down below...

**Piggy:** Savages or sensible?

**Roger:** *thinks for a second and brushes hair out of his eyes*

**Piggy:** Rules and agree or hunt and kill?

**Roger:** Oh, I don't even have to think about this one. SAVAGERY HUNT KILL PIGGY NOW CREEPY GRIN DIE FAT KID.

**Piggy**: My eyesight is so bad I can't see that gigantic rock that is about three times my size. Oh, there it is. AHHHHH

**Ralph:** What was- oh god. PIGGY! NOOOOO!

**Samneric:** We don't look as shocked as we should. I mean, someone's head just got smashed open, shouldn't we look a little more than mildly disturbed?

**Jack:** Even _I_ look more disturbed than the twins.

**The Savages:** Us too.

**That-Harold-Kid:** Seriously, where is the rest of my hair?

**Roger:** Yay! I killed him! Where's the applause? Why is nobody happy about this but me? Wow, even I look more disturbed than the twins, and I'm the one who killed him.

**Piggy's-Dead-Body:** *gets carried away by the waves. Also looks suspiciously like a bag of flour*

**Ralph:** I apparently ran away from Jack after Piggy got killed... right where he got hit by the rock... they're murderers... hold on... *one of the only times Ralph is smart and runs away*

_THIS ISN'T TOO BAD OF A SCENE CHANGE!_

**Samneric:** We're not sure if we're wearing pants or not. Maybe loincloths?

**Ralph:** Oh! Look! Samneric! The traitors! Maybe they'll help me! Yo! Samneric!

**Samneric:** *are now wearing savage paint*

**Ralph:** It's me! The one that you're probably ordered to kill! So, are they ordered to kill me?

**Samoreric:** Well... Roger sharpened a stick at both ends, if that means anything to you.

**Samoreric:** Shut up, we know what it means. Stop being vague. They're going to hurt you tomorrow.

**Ralph:** *just stares at them*

**Samoreric:** We've got to give signals, like this. OHOHOHOHH. But louder.

**Ralph:** Why am I smiling?

**Samoreric:** You should leave.

**Ralph:** Come with me? :D I mean, if someone showed up, three of us could maybe kill him- I mean trap him so we could get away.

_THE SIGNAL IS HEARD_

**Samneric:** *stand up and turn around* Go away!

**Ralph:** I'm going to tell you exactly where to find me!

**Samoreric:** WHO IS IT? SHOULD WE BE AFRAID?

**Roger:** ATTENTION!

**Sam:** Eric, it's Roger!

**Eric:** Yay! I mean, um, noooo.

**Samoreric:** *grabs a piece of meat or fruit or something that was conveniently laying near them* Take this. I'm still nice. :)

**Roger:** ATTENTION!

_SCENE CHANGE_

**Ralph:** Wow, that was a weird dream-

**Jack:** Come here.

**Ralph:** Whoa, this is a weird reality.

**Jack**: Have you got Piggy's specs?

**Ralph:** What is going on out there?

**Jack:** We'll start a fire.

**Ralph:** Oh, good, for a second there I was getting worried. For all he talks about me and Piggy in a gay relationship... I thought he was doing something with Roger...

**Jack:** He must be in here somewhere...

**Ralph:** Oh god, they're going to kill me.

**Jack:** You go around that way. We'll smoke him out.

**Ralph:** I should probably get out of here, huh?

**Jack:** Be quiet! Nobody's talking to me! Something just moved! Roger, come here.

**Ralph:** OH GOD SOMETHING WEIRD IS HAPPENING.

**Jack:** Got the stick?

**Ralph:** O.O

**Roger:** *is jabbing the stick into the bushes where Ralph is*

**Ralph:** *shoves the stick away and runs*

**Jack:** *sounds weirdly like a voiceover* I told you, he's dangerous.

**Ralph:** DAMN THESE CREEPER THINGS.

_THE SIGNAL IS HEARD AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. WE GET IT. YOU SEE RALPH._

**Ralph:** I'm actually pretty smart to wait to rest until the signal wasn't being heard anymore! Well, I better keep going - oh crap fire.

_THAT'S EITHER A PIG OR SOMEONE REALLY FAILING AT THE SIGNAL_

_SIGNAL_

**Ralph:** I'm going to just stand here, nevermind the crackling fire and the screaming savages coming at me - oh, yeah, I should probably run. *the greatest trip in the history of tripping*

**Ralph:** Why did I have to fall into mud?

**Savages:** KILL THE PIG. SLIT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN. RALPH'S A GUY. WE DON'T CARE. KILL THE PIG. SLIT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN. KILL THE PIG. SLIT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN.

**Random child sixty-two:** AHHHHH!

**A creepy laugh:** *is heard*

**Ralph:** I'm going to rest here, and see if I can see an escape route... hey, is that the beach? I don't care, I'm going there anyway.

**Savage sounds:** *are heard*

**Ralph:** THEY'RE GETTING CLOSE AGAIN. TIME TO RUN IN A RANDOM DIRECTION.

**The Savages:** KILL THE PIG. SLIT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN.

**Ralph:** This really isn't the best place to rest.

**The Savages:** KILL THE PIG. SLIT HER THROAT. BASH HER IN.

**Ralph:** HALLELUJAH! THE BEACH!

**Random Savage:** HE'S AT THE BEACH!

**Ralph**: ...fuck. Well, super-speed crawling time!

**The Savages:** KILL THE PIG SLIT HER THROAT BASH HER IN.

**Random Savage:** BASH HER IN!

**The Savages:** KILL THE BIG SLIT HER THROAT BASH HER IN.

**Random Savage:** BASH HER IN!

**Ralph:** I'm going to stop crawling conveniently right in front of these adult feet.

**The Savages:** KILL THE PIG-

_ALL NOISE CEASES_

**Random Adult:** What is going on?

**The Savages:** KILL THE PIG, YEAH! WOW, WE WERE EVERYWHERE!

**Percival:** I... I'm cute. And... and I'm gonna poke you. Poke you in the tummy. I think I might have forgotten my name.

**Random Adult:** Cute kid. *pats head*

**Percival:** ...That was weird.

**Jack:** I am glaring at you with unmasked hate. BE AFRAID. Also, where'd Roger go? And that boat is not going to fit all of us.

**Ralph:** I am crying. For a true, wise friend called Piggy.

**More Random Adults:** We're gay for each other.

**The Island:** *is burning*

**Jack:** Seriously, where did Roger go?

_...it's friday, friday, gotta get down on friday..._

* * *

_SEERSTELLA~_

**Simon: **I know, it's kinda weird. But at least it didn't make Nightkill's classmates physically ill like the other one.

**Nightkill: **Haha, yeah I heard that. Cx

**Bill: **Yes! I've been here the entire time, but nobody ever notices me.

**Robert: **I HAVE A FUTURE.

_PRINCESSESOPHIE~_

**Roger: **…wut.

**Ralph: **Fine then! I try to be all nice and heroic and TOTALLY AWESOME, but apparently I'm still a jerk.

**Jack: **I'M HEAD BOY.

_KSBG~_

**Nightkill: **Yep! Actually, the first chapter of the 1990 movie will be posted next Saturday.

**Simon: **Oh, you didn't have to do that… I wouldn't want to be the cause of anyone's death…

_DRAGONWRITERZZ~_

**Roger: **Of course. It's the only kind of look I can give people. Although near the end they lean more on the 'adorable' side.

**Ralph: **Thank you! :D Nobody ever likes the protagonist…

**Piggy: **I'M SORRY.

_WINDSURFERGIRL~_

**Nightkill: **Ah, thank you. :) It'll be up next Saturday – first chapter, anyway. Unless something's going on.

**Simon: **I wish I didn't have to die, either.

**Jack: **MWAHAHAHAHA.

_HAMMSTERS~_

**Roger: **I'm always in the background, creepily staring at things. It's quite fun.

_ALLTHEGOODNONESARETAKEN~_

**Simon: **I'm glad you're enjoying this. :)

_ROGERFROMLOTFOBSESSOR~_

**Roger: **Smart person. Always like the killer, not the killed.

**Ralph: **I RESENT THAT.

**Simon: **Thank you for believing in me. :)

* * *

**TOTAL RANDOM CHILDREN: **62. A REMARKABLE FEAT SINCE THERE WERE ABOUT HALF THAT MANY WHO DID THE MOVIE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

**TOTAL CREEPY LOOKS: **SEVENTEEN. WOW. HOLY CRAP. TEAM ROGER.

**Also, if you didn't stalk all of the review replies, the first chapter of the 1990 version will be posted on Saturday. Next Saturday. Not this Saturday. And the review replies from this one will be put on there. :D With the (probably) last appearance of our lovely 1963 characters. **


End file.
